That word – when you hear it being used in your life, it hits you like a brick! When my husband and I first heard it, it was like a speech bubble was hanging above our heads, knowing we had to burst it and take it in, face the reality! But it’s not easy….well that’s an understatement!
No words can really describe how it feels to know that you will never be pregnant and feel that little life growing inside you ; never endure a long, difficult labour to finally have it end and meet your beautiful baby and be engulfed by complete and utter love ; Never watch your child grow into an adult and be filled with pride at the wonderful person you created all those years ago; Never be called ‘mummy’, ‘mother’, ‘friend’.
People say that time is a healer. Fortunately, for us, this has been the case but for some couples who are told that they are infertile, this cannot be further from the truth! Time just makes things harder and harder as the years without a child go by. The woman gets older and the maternal clock begins to tick faster and faster. Time just makes everything more painful, with every period that arrives on time and every pregnancy test that shows up as negative, their hearts sink a little bit further.
For some, infertility can be like being in a black room, everything is so dark and its becomes so difficult to see any light shining through. Not only are you trying to deal with your own situation but also trying to deal with friends and family around you becoming parents. You put on a smile, give hugs, celebrate with them and then steal away for a moment alone to grieve…..for the one thing that you will never have. And then a few years later, you watch again as they all start to announce their second pregnancies and you watch them growing into beautiful families.
You have to try and put on a brave face every time someone you meet someone who asks if you have any children when they see your wedding ring. It never gets any easier as you try not to show any upset to a stranger who is just trying to make small talk. You politely answer with a meek “no” and walk away with tears blinding your every step. “I have something in my eye” you say to a colleague as you make a mad dash for the loo to compose yourself!
Don’t get me wrong, infertility is not something that we just ‘got over’. From first hearing it to feeling closure on the subject, it has been 4 years. Even today I still have wobbles and still get emotional sometimes but it is a brief reaction to a situation like meeting a new baby and not something that sends me spiralling into black depression for days. At one point I never thought I would be ‘ok’ with the situation but I am. There have been a lot of factors affecting our infertility, all outside of our control. So yes, I did have to find a way to deal with it and move forward, as hard as that was.
I have done that but will never ever forget how it feels. I can completely empathise with other ladies/couples who have been told that they are infertile. As time went on and I became more accepting, I developed this urge to try to help others with this situation. As I have mentioned, with us, there are lots of factors contributing to why we cannot be parents but for other couples, there may be only 1 or 2 factors, for example, poor quality or no eggs….. And this is why I have decided to begin the process of egg donation.
To be continued…. .