I started writing this blog last week….but time and time again, I’ve had to stop because of the pain I was in… It’s never taken me so long to write one blog…but here’s why….
I have been writing this blog for nearly 3 years now and although it has been about the journey I have been on since I started donating my eggs, these blogs have been about things I am doing for other people….donating eggs, raising awareness of infertility issues, crowdfunding etc…..it’s not been about me or my personal situation, well I am afraid that one needs to tell my latest tale.
Last Saturday, I was on a night shift when I got some pain on the left side of my abdomen and then got some bleeding…..I thought the same as most women would think – that I’d got my period. I don’t really have periods anymore due to having the implant in my arm which is to help my Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries. The pain was pretty bad but I hadn’t had a proper period for a long, long time so that would explain the pain and the heavy bleeding. I didn’t think much of it but finished my shift and went to bed with a hot water bottle.
The pain continued and my usual painkillers didn’t seem to be helping. By Wednesday the pain was pretty intense and the bleeding had stopped – well it had stopped after just a few hours so it hadn’t been a period after all….. It was a different pain from what I’d had in the past – radiating all down my left side, aching all the time along with a stabbing pain like someone was putting a red hot poker right up my Fallopian tube – lovely!
I went to see my Practice Nurse to get checked out, something didn’t feel right. One touch of my tummy and I nearly it the roof – next my observations – heart rate 117bpm, hhmm I wonder why! As I was, the Nurse was concerned so booked me an emergency appointment with the Dr in a few hours time.
Back I went and had another painful examination. I then had to endure all the same, difficult questions about why I knew that this couldn’t be an ectopic pregnancy! My husband and I have learnt to be quite succinct when answering that yes, we are 100% sure that there is no chance of a pregnancy! Answers are short and sweet and move on to the next one…..but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, that it doesn’t feel like a knife is being twisted every time, that’s it’s not hard to maintain the smile when you just want to cry…especially when you know that this pain is gynaecology related – again! Anyone who is infertile has probably noticed that, whenever you find yourself in that conversation again, people cannot just accept your first answer that you can’t have children, they always feel that they have to try to offer a solution or come up with an idea that you haven’t already been over in your own mind a thousand times……but rather than appearing rude or ungrateful for their suggestions, you smile politely and explain calmly, “no that won’t work either”….
Anyway…after I guided the conversation back onto trying to figure out the pain in my tummy, rather than fertility options for us, the Doctor told me she wanted me to head up to the hospital to be seen by the Gynaecology Consultant – now! She had the same suspicions as I, which was that I had a troublesome ovarian cyst…..so off I went, with my husband, to the hospital.
Yet more of the same old questions about our complex history and children…or lack of! I always try to stay lighthearted and calm with the constant questioning since, after all, people are trying to help…..but when the pain is intense, I am tired from a sleepless night the night before and I am greeted with a speculum to accompany the third uncomfortable examination, I start to get irritable and tearful…..or very tearful….howling actually! I HATE speculums – just the sight of them fills me with dread. For me with my past issues, it is like like an instrument for torture and today was no different! Anyway, after another *rather rough* examination whilst being told to ‘relax’ “ERM – HOW WITH THAT THERE??!”, the Consultant concluded that I was in pain! 😀 Yep really! So, I was admitted for pain relief and urgent ultrasound scans! I was shown to my bed, given some Morphine, did admission paperwork, got more Morphine and got comfortable in bed ….with a bit more Morphine! Thankfully the pain started to subside as I fell into a drug induced (but short and disturbed) sleep!
The next morning, after some more Morphine, I went for two ultrasound scans. As we suspected, I had a big cyst on my left ovary – 6cm to be exact! Wowcher! And yes Mr Sonographer, it does hurt when you poke it with the probe!!! Anyway, back to the ward, for more Morphine (are you sensing a theme here?) and hopefully a treatment plan. There I was thinking, ok so we know what it is, cut it out, some time to recover then get back to work! Simples, done…..or not quite so simples! 😦 The Consultant wants to wait 6 weeks before doing another scan (I got that reduced from 3 months!!!!) to check on the cyst and if it needs surgery, I will then be put on the loooooong waiting list! 😦
So, here I am, it is now gone midnight on the 3rd day of writing this blog and I have just had some more Morphine…… As my eyelids are starting to feel heavy, I am asking myself ‘why’? Why have my Polycystic Ovaries and Endometriosis pains left me alone for so long yet decide to rear their ugly heads again now? Why now? Its been laying dormant for 6 years, they didn’t even trouble me through 2 cycles of egg donation. Why now – when I have a really busy year ahead with work projects, fundraisers, social plans and life generally!
I’ve been so busy concentrating on the Crowdfunding page for Saskia, I never considered that my own gynae issues would start to cause me issues again! It’s like they like to be in control – to remind me that they’re still there, still lurking, just waiting to flare up again whenever they decide!
I know this is not my fault, but when pain is so intense and distracting, rational thinking can go straight out the window. I am trying to figure out just how I am going to get through the next 6 weeks if the pain continues as it is at the moment! As much as I joke, I don’t like relying on Morphine, and my bowels certainly aren’t keen on it either! 😉
And one of the hardest things to hear, even though I have heard it a thousand times, is when people suggest that “getting pregnant can be great for helping Endometriosis and PCOS”…… Since I have always been quite open about our fertility issues, I forget sometimes that not everyone knows that we can’t have children and I always stare open mouthed at the suggestion – probably to stop myself replying “well, yes, wouldn’t that just be absolutely blooming marvellous!” But really, we’re ok just the two of us, perfect as we are…….well, apart from the cyst – that, quite honestly, can do one! 😀
Apologies for rambling on a bit….blame the Morphine! 😉