Recovery and Guest Blog :)

It has now been just over 3 weeks since my operation and (touch wood), I am feeling much better! Woohoo!  About time eh! 😀

I did have a little infection to add to my list of complications though – the incision on my left side went quite red and angry and was a lot more sore than the others….and was starting to discharge. Thankfully though, with a week of oral antibiotics, it cleared up.  Now the stitches have come away from the left and the right incisions, just a little one left in my belly button but that will dissolve when it’s ready.  My incisions are looking much better now thankfully. My belly button is still bruised and green but not sore.

Emotionally, this was all really hard for me…. Being unwell involving my reproductive system made it all very personal again – like my gynae issues giving me a big, painful reminder, like I could ever forget, that my body is just not going to play the game…even if we could conceive.  I know being unwell makes me more sensitive but some things made it much harder, like the ward I was on was right next to Maternity so while I was laying there through a sleepless night, in agony clutching my swollen tummy, all I could hear was women in labour and babies being born! Talk about a kick in the teeth.  Don’t get me wrong, I am ok and feeling much brighter but at the time, I was in a lot of pain and high on drugs so it didn’t take much for me to end up in tears.  I don’t think I’d have been quite as emotional if it was a broken bone or something not gynae related.

I think it is safe to say that I am now almost over all of this!  I find it quite funny that I just got an appointment for my scan – the one I was supposed to have 6 weeks after my first admission – which would be on my first day back at work! I had great pleasure in ringing to cancel it since I’ve already had the surgery! What an incredibly long process this could have been!

I am back to work soon and it will be lovely to be back! Hopefully this will never happen again!

Anyway, changing the subject back to my egg donations…

I got approached by a lovely lady in America about interviewing for a guest blog with her. She went through a difficult time conceiving her little girl and was eventually successful using donor eggs (not mine in case anyone wondered!). It is wonderful to talk to her about her thoughts and feelings about using donor eggs… As I have mentioned before, it’s lovely for me to ‘meet’ ladies who have used donor eggs to have their children. It makes it all so real for me to see their children growing up – their beautiful, little miracles, knowing an egg donor, like me, helped them to make it possible.  ❤

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again but donating my eggs really has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done! I am so thankful that I was able to do it as not everyone is so fortunate.

If you fancy a read of my interview, you can find it here at her blog. Please let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy it.Thank you Risa!

An-egg-donors-story – Guest Blog

THANK YOU again to all of you who sent me lots of love and well wishes throughout all of this. During those dark days, my husband, friends and family kept me smiling through my tears.

Sending love and good health to all my readers.

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A few bumps in the road to recovery…

It hasn’t been the most straightforward recovery….2 steps forward, 3 steps back comes to mind!

A few days after I got home, I managed to have a shower and hair wash…..it certainly wasn’t the most dignified way of getting into the bath since I still couldn’t stand up straight.  I noticed a nasty looking rash on my tummy in the shape of where the surgical drapes would have been. I am really hoping that these didn’t contain latex as I am allergic to it. Trust me to have some kind of reaction! I am keeping a close eye and it is slowly improving. As lovely as my shower was, I didn’t realise how knackering it would be….so much so I needed a kip afterwards!

My reaction rash!

Shape of an ECG dot!

My tummy was still very bloated and I was still troubled with trapped wind for about 10 days although not as bad as those first few days – I didn’t realise how long it would take to all disappear.

At this point, even though early days, I thought I was on track for a normal recovery…until I got to day 4….. it was late afternoon and I started to get some cramps in my bowel…having suffered with an irritable bowel in the past, I recognised it straight away and didn’t think much of it. Until it got worse….and worse and even worse! It felt like someone was doing a tight Chinese Burn (showing my age there!) on my bowel whilst pulling in through all 3 of my incision sights! I was in absolute agony! Laying in a cold sweat, nothing I took or did made it any easier.  My poor husband was close to calling an Ambulance but knowing it was bowel rather than Ovary pain, I said no… I just had to ride it out. It went on and on and on! I was so scared to even drink water as I didn’t want anything else to add to the pain. I finally fell asleep curled up in foetal position 5 hours after the pains had started! That was exhausting!

The next day I was still feeling very fragile but the pain had eased off a bit. I was very nervous about eating or drinking anything, but since I had already lost weight over my 2 admissions, I stuck with very bland food – food literally just to get some nutrition. I was feeling very tired, probably from all the pain from the night before and when I noticed that my heart rate was sitting at 144bpm (normal should be 60-80 ideally), I assumed I was dehydrated and tired and didn’t worry too much.

The following day, now day 6 post op, my heart seemed to be getting worse. I couldn’t get up without seeing stars and feeling like I was about to faint. My heart rate at rest was 105bpm and 150bpm when I tried to move! My heart felt like it was jumping out of my chest! I had to abandon my shower half way through as I nearly blacked out and I really didn’t want to fall and hurt my tummy! For goodness sake – time to get checked out – again!

The GP made a home visit, there was no way I could make it to the surgery….or even to the car for that matter. He gave me a thorough check over and agreed about my heart rate. Thankfully he didn’t find anything too concerning – like internal bleeding or blood clots- believe me, he was pretty rough when checking my tummy – even my husband was wincing as he prodded my wounds very hard! OUCH!!! He did suspect that I may have become anaemic though…so wrote out some blood forms for me to get checked.

Day 7 post op and my husband helped me shower – whilst on standby in case I fainted and off we went to the walk-in centre for my blood tests. I literally clung to his arm as I kept going all starry eyed ~ because of my heart rate not because of his dazzlingly good looks! 😉 We stopped for a coffee, to give me a chance to relax and get my heart rate down again and then went home. Exhausted I returned to the sofa for another kip!

Days 8 and 9 I had no choice but to continue to take it easy. It still hurt to get up and sit down, the incisions and my Ovary hurt on movement…I don’t mean bad pain but just meaning that I couldn’t just jump up. My heart rate is still up and down like a yo-yo even though I was desperately trying to increase my fluid intake…..not that I was dehydrated but I hoped it would help.

The next day, I rang for my blood results and was greatly relieved to hear that everything was ok. My haemoglobin level was 13.9 which is on the high side for a woman, but no surprise there as mine has been high for years due to food my husband and I eat and the lifestyle we follow. The general consensus is that my body was just taking longer than normal to get over the anaesthetic…. and not only that I was on high doses of Morphine, in various different forms for 2 and a half weeks before the surgery. I think it was all a bit much for my small frame….especially having lost weight too.

So, now day 11 and I am finally feeling like I am on the right road to recovery. I have a way to go but hopefully no more complications. I am able to potter around a bit now, even if I do have to sit and rest afterwards. I have been getting some pains over my Ovary, which at first freaked me out since they’ve been similar to the pre-op pain I had, but having spoken to other friends who have been through this surgery, ‘phantom pains’ are quite normal and part of recovery! Phew!!!

I am looking forward to getting back to work and seeing all my lovely colleagues but it won’t be just yet. Nursing is so active so I need to be completely ready (and not fainty lol) before I go back. Then we can put this whole sorry saga behind us and move onto the lovely plans this year has to offer.

So, that’s the saga of the cyst all up to date….. Ovar-y and out for now 😉

Hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend, much love! xxxxxx

Carpe Diem ~ Cyst the Day! :D

The next morning, I woke up dreading another day’s fight ahead of me. There had been a different ‘On Call’ Consultant looking after me everyday (not sure why) so having had the Consultant the day before agree to operate, I wondered if today, I’d have to start all over again with trying to get a Consultant to listen.

Thankfully that wasn’t the case – ward round came and today’s Consultant agreed that I  needed to go onto the emergency list to get this sorted, sooner rather than later, she too thought my Ovary was suffering.

So I signed my Consent Form – I was consented for removal of the cyst, removal of Ovary and open surgery to cover all bases. I got my theatre gown on, anti-embolism stockings on, my rings taped and removed my gorgeous necklace from my husband. I then saw the Anaesthetist for a pre-op check and then at 1.30, porters arrived and I was wheeled to Theatre.  It was quite strange getting into the anaesthetic room to be greeted by one of my anaesthetic colleagues! I felt in very safe hands! 🙂  I drifted off to sleep not quite sure whether I’d keep my Ovary or not….

In, what felt like no time at all, I woke up in Recovery. For the life of me, I could not keep my eyes open – it was like they were weighted down with something! Eventually I went back to the Ward to be greeted by my anxious looking husband….I’d been gone for 5 hours! No wonder he was getting a bit concerned.

As lovely as it was to see him, I still couldn’t keep my eyes open and I continued to sleep whilst keeping a tight grip on his hand – safe! ❤  Another few hours and I started to wake up a bit – I was alarmed to check the time and it was 9pm by then! I saw the Consultant and was delighted to hear that I still have my Ovary (not that it’s doing much for me but hey). I did bleed a bit in Theatre and therefore needed some stitches in my Ovary. She managed to do it keyhole and I was in Theatre for around an hour and a half.

I tried to get up to the toilet, had a bit of a freshen up – baby wipes are perfect when in hospital and put on my lovely new pyjamas and my necklace back on – much better! Nothing like new PJ’s! 😀 I sent my husband, who’d left me to sleep, a photo so he could stop worrying! 😉

Then, it became obvious that I wasn’t going to the loo properly so after I’d tried a few times (obviously not wanting to push too much), the nurse scanned my bladder to reveal more than 900mls sitting there – no wonder I felt desperate! I needed to have a catheter but she just drained my bladder and removed the catheter again rather than leaving it in. Thankfully, a few hours later, I managed to pass urine on my own, I obviously just needed a kick start, so to speak!

I was already feeling so much better – normal pain from the 3 incisions (or portholes) but nothing compared to the pain I’d been in pre-op! Such a relief! One problem though – trapped wind – OMG! Anyone who has had keyhole surgery will know, the surgeons pumps your abdomen full of gas so they can see what they’re doing. They try and suck it out at the end but they can never get it all. It can be quite uncomfortable, as I tell my patients ~ I have had keyhole myself in the past but I don’t remember it being this bad! Crikey! My tummy was huge, like a big blown up balloon! The air was going in and around my ribs and diaphragm making it quite painful to breathe. I started drinking as much Peppermint as I could as this helps to expel the air….I then settled down for some more sleep.

Next morning – more Peppermint! This air had to start moving soon! I saw the Consultant – another different one and he said I could go home. Woohoo! I had a quick wash and texted my husband.  Getting dressed was just too much effort though…not that my jeans would do up around my swollen belly anyway so I went home in my PJ’s and dressing gown – the height of fashion don’t you know! 😉

Just a short journey home and I was knackered again and I literally collapsed on the sofa. It took me a while to get comfortable since the wind was so painful – at the wrong angle, it felt like I was being stabbed with a thousand knives!! Every hour I was having Peppermint Tea or Peppermint Water and after 24 hours or so, things started to move! Usually it moves quicker than this but I have been known to hang onto stuff hehe! 😉 When my patients complain about trapped wind in future, I certainly won’t forget how bad it was!!

So, back in my lovely home where I should be, with my gorgeous husband – finally all over and onto a straight forward recovery……or so I thought…..!

I’ll explain more in the next chapter! 😀

Here we go again…

First of all, I must apologise for taking so long to get this latest blog written. There have been lots of developments since my last entry and to be honest, I haven’t really known where to start.  Every day, I have picked up my laptop to stare at an empty page and end up putting it down again.  So, here goes:

After my last blog, the pain from my ovarian cyst continued to be pretty bad, unbearable some days….the Liquid Morphine wasn’t really working anymore and I knew that I couldn’t go on like this…so on the Monday morning, I made another emergency GP appointment.  Off I went again and saw a different Doctor this time. More painful examinations, more poking and prodding of my already very painful tummy which was now very swollen too. The Doctor was concerned that my ovary was beginning to twist and what with the pain I was in, he got straight on the phone to the Gynaecology Team and off I went, with another letter, back to the hospital again!

My swollen tummy the night before I got readmitted! 😦

I had to answer the same screening questions, endure the same, even more painful examinations and got admitted again to the same bed space! I saw the familiar, friendly faces of the Student Nurses and Health Care Assistant’s who had looked after me so well a week before and when they said ‘hi’, I just wept, I lost all control ~ emotion overload….whilst sitting in the very public corridor waiting for my bed! Oh dear!

Eventually, I got settled in bed with yet more Morphine, which to be quite honest, really wasn’t doing anything but according to the staff “I had to give it a chance to work”….so for the rest of the afternoon and all the through the night, I had Morphine every 2 hours! In the morning, my pain was worse than the day before and I had a thudding headache (like your worst hangover!)….from too much Morphine!

At the morning drug round, I asked the nurse for some alternative pain relief as I explained that the liquid Morphine wasn’t doing any good. She told me it was all that was prescribed so I asked her to contact a Doctor….off she went and I didn’t see her again. I saw a Registrar on the Doctors’ Round who did another scan and much to my dismay, saw my big cyst still there, still the same size…… so going by the first Consultant’s theory that it would shrink….well, that hadn’t happened at all yet!

Back I went to my bed and after being prodded again through the scan, the pain was completely unbearable so I rang the bell to ask the nurse again for some pain relief other than liquid Morphine. Again, she told me that nothing else was prescribed…so I asked her again if she would ask the Doctor to prescribe something else. And again, she disappeared…

Twenty minutes later and I am literally rolling around the bed in pain, crying my eyes out and begging the nurse for pain relief! By now, I had been waiting for 3 hours….. I was not impressed when she snapped at me “you’re a nurse, you know what it’s like!”……to which I replied that, I would never leave a patient in pain and begging for pain relief for 3 hours! 😮

In the end, I called out to the Doctor as she was walking by…

In the ten minutes that followed, I got a cannula (a small needle that goes into a vein) inserted, received 10mg of intravenous Morphine (much stronger this way and this is a big dose!),  had intravenous anti-sickness, had intravenous fluids put up and was made Nil By Mouth for Theatre! FINALLY, someone who was listening to me! This lovely Doctor made me weep tears of pure relief ~ it felt like the first time in 3 weeks that someone had actually taken my pain seriously and done something!  Big thanks to that Doctor! 😀

The IV Morphine certainly took the edge of the pain and I felt like I could relax a bit for the first time in days!  A few hours later, I saw someone from the Pain Team who started me on a PCA which is a pump so I can self administer the IV Morphine as and when I need it! That was set up and I started to get on top of the pain! Phew!

Another few hours went by and I saw the Consultant, who agreed that it was time to get the cyst out! He too was concerned that my ovary was twisting with the pressure of the cyst….. so it was all go…… I waited and waited and waited and by 9pm, I pretty much knew that it wasn’t going to happen. So after asking the nurse to check with the Doctor, I had a little bite to eat and a cup of tea and snuggled down to sleep with my Morphine button firmly in my hand!

…to be continued…   Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzz…..  xxx

 

Oh, what a pain!

Pain is what the patient says it is;  Every patient has a different pain threshold ; Every patient shows pain in different ways; Pain takes over your body in a variety of different ways…..  Just a few points that, as Nurses, we practice everyday, to respect patients’ pain and treat everyone as individual. But when you experience pain yourself, it makes you see things quite differently!

One comment from this week has really stuck in my mind…. I got discharged from hospital on Saturday and then had a really rough weekend at home with lots of pain. I rang my Consultant again Monday to see if she would reconsider waiting 6 weeks to re-scan due to my pain and she replied “well, you didn’t seem to be in too much pain!” I was too shocked to reply to be honest. … Because I wasn’t rolling around my bed crying and screaming, she assumed I wasn’t in too much pain?  I know it may shock people to hear, but I am quite a private person when it comes to emotions like crying and I would have to be completely comfortable before I cry in front of someone…..so certainly not a Consultant that I also work with in  professional capacity!

Crying makes you vulnerable. Whether you want to or not, you’re letting down barriers and people are seeing a vulnerable side. Just as pain does!  I know I shouldn’t let her comment bother me but it makes me wonder….is that what everyone else thinks? “You shouldn’t be in this much pain”…..No I shouldn’t but I am. I have a pretty high pain threshold….. I have been troubled by Endometriosis in the past and it’s a pain that can’t really be explained but I became quite good at covering up the pain I was in.  I didn’t like to draw attention to it, it always felt like the more I spoke about it, the more aware of it I became so I got good at just carrying on.

I have been in constant pain, of varying degrees, for nearly 2 weeks now.  I am on lots of medications including Oral Morphine….sometimes it’s taking the edge off it, other times it’s not touching it. It’s been a bad day today – I woke up in quite bad pain which didn’t really improve with my morning drugs….then I had to go to the Drs for more prescriptions and take my sick note into work…..it doesn’t sound a lot but all that moving around, getting in and out of the car (thankfully my husband drove) made my pain worse.  Now, after dosing up, I do feel a bit more settled…..well my pain score is probably now a 5 rather than an 8 as it was earlier…celebrate the small things eh! 😉

Drugs, drugs, drugs…….nearly 2 weeks since my pain started and almost in a blink of an eye, my life now suddenly revolves around drugs!  Clock watching all the time – when can I take the next lot?  When is this lot going to kick in?  When is this pain going to ease up?  What else can I take? And now I have to take even more drugs to counteract the side effects of the other drugs…..a vicious cycle! In only 2 weeks, I find myself reliant on drugs….albeit, a temporary reliance but a reliance all the same! Quite a scary thought, how easily and quickly things can change! 😦

For me, these 2 weeks have felt like forever…pain can be extremely exhausting but it has only been 2 weeks! Makes me think of all my friends who are chronic pain sufferers, those who have had pain all day, every day for years and years! 😦 My friends with Cystic Fibrosis who not only have trouble breathing, but are in pain doing so as well, every single breath! What a horrible prospect!  It is easy to see why chronic illness and pain can lead to depression, it really is!  So, a shout out to all my chronically ill or disabled friends, whatever your illness or condition may be…I admire your strength – you’re all amazing! ❤

Excuse the cliche but at least, I can see light at the end of the tunnel….an end to my pain…well I hope so anyway. Some people aren’t so fortunate! ❤

Fertility Podcast.

So, a few weeks ago, I was invited to talk on a Fertility Podcast. Natalie, who I have been talking to on Twitter, set up the podcast in 2014 after going though fertility treatment herself.

I like it although it is very strange listening to myself! Hope it does some good for Saskia! 🙂  Have a listen and let me know what you all think! 😀

Fertility Podcast

People keep asking me how I am feeling, regarding my cyst. Well I really don’t know. To be honest, I feel all over the place. Sometimes, I am in agony and not even the morphine is touching it….sometimes it’s not so bad but then for no rhyme or reason, it gets uncontrollable again.

I am tearful, concerned, uncomfortable, bored, exhausted and frustrated….. I am always telling my patients not to ‘Google their symptoms’ but sometimes, you just can’t help it. I am finding a lot of contradictory information but most states that a cyst 6cm or more is unlikely to settle by itself!  From what I can find, this is pretty much how my insides look right now! 😦

As silly as it sounds, I just want to get back to work. I love my job and I already missed my teaching session today! I have so much else going on right now with little projects and things I am working on. I am trying to keep my brain as active as possible but when I need to take morphine, I get hazy and end up falling asleep. I am no good at taking it easy….I always feel guilty, like I am not doing enough!

I don’t have time for this! How long is this going to go on for and how much more am I going to miss? 😦 😦 😦

Note to Self : Don’t cough, sneeze or laugh……it HURTS!

I thought we were Ovar-y this…

I started writing this blog last week….but time and time again, I’ve had to stop because of the pain I was in… It’s never taken me so long to write one blog…but here’s why….

I have been writing this blog for nearly 3 years now and although it has been about the journey I have been on since I started donating my eggs, these blogs have been about things I am doing for other people….donating eggs, raising awareness of infertility issues, crowdfunding etc…..it’s not been about me or my personal situation, well I am afraid that one needs to tell my latest tale.

Last Saturday, I was on a night shift when I got some pain on the left side of my abdomen and then got some bleeding…..I thought the same as most women would think – that I’d got my period. I don’t really have periods anymore due to having the implant in my arm which is to help my Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries.  The pain was pretty bad but I hadn’t had a proper period for a long, long time so that would explain the pain and the heavy bleeding. I didn’t think much of it but finished my shift and went to bed with a hot water bottle.

The pain continued and my usual painkillers didn’t seem to be helping. By Wednesday the pain was pretty intense and the bleeding had stopped – well it had stopped after just a few hours so it hadn’t been a period after all….. It was a different pain from what I’d had in the past – radiating all down my left side, aching all the time along with a stabbing pain like someone was putting a red hot poker right up my Fallopian tube – lovely!

I went to see my Practice Nurse to get checked out, something didn’t feel right. One touch of my tummy and I nearly it the roof – next my observations – heart rate 117bpm, hhmm I wonder why!  As I was, the Nurse was concerned so booked me an emergency appointment with the Dr in a few hours time.

Back I went and had another painful examination. I then had to endure all the same, difficult questions about why I knew that this couldn’t be an ectopic pregnancy!  My husband and I have learnt to be quite succinct when answering that yes, we are 100% sure that there is no chance of a pregnancy! Answers are short and sweet and move on to the next one…..but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, that it doesn’t feel like a knife is being twisted every time, that’s it’s not hard to maintain the smile when you just want to cry…especially when you know that this pain is gynaecology related – again! Anyone who is infertile has probably noticed that, whenever you find yourself in that conversation again, people cannot just accept your first answer that you can’t have children, they always feel that they have to try to offer a solution or come up with an idea that you haven’t already been over in your own mind a thousand times……but rather than appearing rude or ungrateful for their suggestions, you smile politely and explain calmly, “no that won’t work either”….

Anyway…after I guided the conversation back onto trying to figure out the pain in my tummy, rather than fertility options for us, the Doctor told me she wanted me to head up to the hospital to be seen by the Gynaecology Consultant – now! She had the same suspicions as I, which was that I had a troublesome ovarian cyst…..so off I went, with my husband, to the hospital.

Yet more of the same old questions about our complex history and children…or lack of! I always try to stay lighthearted and calm with the constant questioning since, after all, people are trying to help…..but when the pain is intense, I am tired from a sleepless night the night before and I am greeted with a speculum to accompany the third uncomfortable examination, I start to get irritable and tearful…..or very tearful….howling actually! I HATE speculums – just the sight of them fills me with dread. For me with my past issues, it is like like an instrument for torture and today was no different!  Anyway, after another *rather rough* examination whilst being told to ‘relax’ “ERM – HOW WITH THAT THERE??!”, the Consultant concluded that I was in pain! 😀 Yep really! So, I was admitted for pain relief and urgent ultrasound scans!  I was shown to my bed, given some Morphine, did admission paperwork, got more Morphine and got comfortable in bed ….with a bit more Morphine!  Thankfully the pain started to subside as I fell into a drug induced (but short and disturbed) sleep!

The next morning, after some more Morphine, I went for two ultrasound scans. As we suspected, I had a big cyst on my left ovary – 6cm to be exact! Wowcher! And yes Mr Sonographer, it does hurt when you poke it with the probe!!! Anyway, back to the ward, for more Morphine (are you sensing a theme here?) and hopefully a treatment plan.  There I was thinking, ok so we know what it is, cut it out, some time to recover then get back to work! Simples, done…..or not quite so simples! 😦  The Consultant wants to wait 6 weeks before doing another scan (I got that reduced from 3 months!!!!) to check on the cyst and if it needs surgery, I will then be put on the loooooong waiting list! 😦

Rocking the hospital gown! 😉

So, here I am, it is now gone midnight on the 3rd day of writing this blog and I have just had some more Morphine…… As my eyelids are starting to feel heavy, I am asking myself ‘why’?  Why have my Polycystic Ovaries and Endometriosis pains left me alone  for so long yet decide to rear their ugly heads again now? Why now?  Its been laying dormant for 6 years, they didn’t even trouble me through 2 cycles of egg donation. Why now – when I have a really busy year ahead with work projects, fundraisers, social plans and life generally!

I’ve been so busy concentrating on the Crowdfunding page for Saskia, I never considered that my own gynae issues would start to cause me issues again! It’s like they like to be in control – to remind me that they’re still there, still lurking, just waiting to flare up again whenever they decide!

I know this is not my fault, but when pain is so intense and distracting, rational thinking can go straight out the window.  I am trying to figure out just how I am going to get through the next 6 weeks if the pain continues as it is at the moment!  As much as I joke, I don’t like relying on Morphine, and my bowels certainly aren’t keen on it either! 😉

And one of the hardest things to hear, even though I have heard it a thousand times, is when people suggest that “getting pregnant can be great for helping Endometriosis and PCOS”…… Since I have always been quite open about our fertility issues, I forget sometimes that not everyone knows that we can’t have children and I always stare open mouthed at the suggestion – probably to stop myself replying “well, yes, wouldn’t that just be absolutely blooming marvellous!”  But really, we’re ok just the two of us, perfect as we are…….well, apart from the cyst – that, quite honestly, can do one! 😀

Apologies for rambling on a bit….blame the Morphine! 😉

Goodnight all!

YouTube debut…

Hello to all my lovely followers!

First things first, thank you to everyone who has already donated to Saskia’s Crowdfunding Page! Within a week, we have reached £575… that’s 7% already! We have a long way to go but it’s a great start so THANK YOU! 🙂 Link is below again ….

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/amelia-abby

We have all been racking our brains for ideas of fundraisers to do which could add the total. If anyone has any ideas or you fancy hosting an event to help Saskia, please just let me know!

You may have already seen that I made my YouTube debut yesterday! I made a video telling a bit of my history and Saskia’s Story.  So there I am  – after years of writing, you can finally see me! 🙂 “Hello!” #waves#

I was also invited to do an interview for a Fertility Podcast yesterday about my journey and Saskia’s Story – @fertilitypoddy on Twitter. I think it went quite well and should be live within a few weeks – will let you know when I know. I am also starting to get to grips with the world of Twitter now too – if you want to follow me, I am @EggDonor29.

Plus, there have also been some recent developments and I may be working a bit more with some fertility groups in marketing, awareness and advertising since they love the media work I have done and my blog so much! 😀  Thanks again to all of you who have been reading for so long, getting so much feedback from you all has been very motivating over the years!

Please do take a look at the video and please share, share, share! 🙂

THANKS AGAIN, will keep you posted!

Much love as always! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

‘Egg Donor Support’ role…needing your help! :)

Hi everyone,

I hope you’re all having a wonderful start to the year. I have had a surprisingly busy beginning to 2017!  There has been lots of exciting news and new opportunities…some have presented themselves and some I went looking for! 😉 For example, I am organising some fundraisers in my place of work throughout the year, I am going to be doing some Bridal Catwalk Modelling, we got the wonderful news that we have another Great Niece or Nephew on the way which is just amazing and I have taken on a new role as an ‘Egg Donor Support’ with Altrui – the egg donation agency!  It is shaping up to be a very busy and exciting year ahead! 😀

I was really touched to be contacted by Alison at Altrui asking if I could help set up a Crowdfunding page for a couple trying for a baby. Of course I said yes as I do like to help in any way that I can. I got in contact with Saskia who told me her story…..

To explain briefly, her and her husband started trying for a baby in 2005. Since then, she has had 3 stillbirths (2 boys and a girl), a diagnosis of an incompetent cervix, 3 ectopic pregnancies, major surgery losing her Fallopian tubes, a failed IVF cycle and a failed egg donation cycle, as well as counselling sessions and a lot of upset along the way!!! In May, it will be 12 years since her first positive pregnancy test…and they still don’t have a baby! 😦 My heart broke for them when she told me her story but I was amazed at how positive she sounds and is ready to start all over again!

They have now exhausted all NHS funding so they now need to try and raise funds for them to try another egg donation cycle! So for the last few days, I have been busy setting up the Crowdfunding page for them. I cannot explain how heartbreaking it is to read her story, how touching it is to be asked to help and how inspirational it is that, after so many years of heartache and heartbreak, they are STILL trying to have a baby – 12 years later!  They just want to be a family!

www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/amelia-abby

So, going back to what I said earlier about some opportunities presenting themselves and some I went after….  Well I am a great believer in going after what you want and I don’t let anything hold me back anymore. I have changed a lot over the years, believe it or not, I wasn’t always quite so forward. I had asked Alison a few times about helping more with Altrui and now, after nagging and badgering, the opportunity has presented itself! 😉 Let’s hope I can do more in future to help ladies in need of donor eggs or those wishing to donate. 🙂

I have learnt over the years to never stop reaching for the stars, never stop believing in myself and never stop setting myself new challenges! Who knows where things might lead – if I don’t try, I’ll never know! 😀  I get a lot of inspiration for the things I do from some of the amazing people around me….. find out what inspires you and run with it! ❤

“If you don’t go after what you, you’ll never know how amazing it could be!”

Love to all…..and don’t forget to share! 😉

THANK YOU! xxxxxxx

The Miracle of Life! xxx

Happy New Year to all of my readers! Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have had a lovely beginning to 2017!

I had a lovely Christmas, spent with family and playing with my gorgeous Great Niece’s. I am sure I am not alone in feeling that Christmas is made wonderful when children are around! The innocent excitement in their eyes as they put out the food plate for Santa on Christmas Eve; the only evening of the year that they want to go to bed early so Christmas arrives sooner; the presents, the food, the laughter, all too much for them to take in that they eventually fall asleep from exhaustion. I am blessed to be able to be a part of that.

Even though I am in a place of acceptance with our infertility now, it hit me hard again before Christmas when I started chatting to a lovely young lady called Lauren. It hit me not from a personal perspective but because of her situation, the reality, the harshness.  On the outside Lauren looks like a ‘normal’, healthy 26 year old woman, happily married and going about her day with a smile. Yet inside, she is fighting an ongoing battle….for Lauren was born without a womb; a condition called Mayer Rokitansky Kauser Hauser Syndrome.  We chatted for a while and her positivity with her situation was overwhelming. Her and her husband have such a wonderful attitude towards this. They are looking into options such as surrogacy but are also on the waiting list for the remarkable new option of Womb Transplant! Obviously, this is a big thing and a very new procedure so they’re not putting all their eggs in one basket (excuse the pun) but I have everything crossed that this option becomes available for them!  You can read more about her journey at  MRKH Our Journey Our Life.

Talking to Lauren really made me think about reproduction, womanhood and fertility. Having a womb is not just about having babies but part of being a woman, just like being born with breasts. I think the female body is pretty amazing – having the ability to menstruate, endure pregnancy and all the changes that goes through, labour and then it all going back into place 🙂 It is no wonder ladies get emotional when they need to have their wombs or breasts removed.  Having a baby really is an incredible miracle, a blessing, a gift… Think of everything that a woman’s body goes through before a baby is born… ❤

So incredibly happy for all my friends who have had babies recently, it is wonderful to see how much happiness they bring! Thinking of all my friends, and my couples who are still trying. There have been lots of wonderful pregnancy announcements on the Altrui Facebook page in recent months too – pregnancies resulting from ladies donating their eggs! 😀  The miracle of life will never cease to amaze me!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all – may all your dreams come true this year! 🙂

xxxxxxx

Some egg-citing media pieces ;-)

It has been a while since my last blog entry but you may have seen that I have been busy taking my egg donations in a different direction – media coverage. In the last two years since my first cycle, there have been articles in the Gazette, Grazia Magazine, Woman Magazine and today it is in The Mirror… I am always so pleasantly surprised that people are still so interested by my story.

I am so passionate about raising awareness, not only of fertility issues but of egg donation. It is such a taboo subject and as much as I understand why, it shouldn’t be.   So many couples have trouble conceiving, they just never tell you about it. Since I have donated eggs and blogged so openly about it, I have been surprised by how many people have told me about their own fertility journeys. Some who are unable to conceive, others who have had some kind of fertility treatment or some who have used egg/sperm donors or surrogacy.  Everyone knows someone who has had troubles. Please don’t ever think that infertility should be faced alone or that you have done anything to be in the situation that you are in.

Not only has this process taught me a lot about myself but I have made some wonderful friends through it too – egg donation recipients (not mine!), fellow donors and of course the ladies at Altrui. One particular lady used an egg donor, and her journey was far from smooth, but they now have a beautiful little boy. It melts my heart to see him growing up, knowing an egg donor helped create him. I love to think of children like him running around some day in the future – children that I have helped to create and helped families to grow and complete.

I am so pleased with how my campaigning has progressed, how people ask more about the IVF process and about fertility treatments knowing that I have personal experience. I am pleased that, as a couple, we are much stronger and accepting of the fact that we won’t be parents but please, don’t think that I don’t still grieve…

I think a part of me always will…grief for the child I know I will never have; grief with the knowledge that I will always hear the word “Mummy” around me but it will never be addressed towards me. I will never know how it feels to have a little, fragile life growing inside, never feel the “flicker”, as many women describe it, as their baby is starting to make it’s first movements, or hear my baby’s heartbeat and feel completely overwhelmed. I am 32 now and, if we were able, feel I am at that point in life when I would probably want children….married to a lovely man, career established, lovely home, lovely family and friends. Of course there is always going to be that little part missing…..I am sure that this is completely normal for any woman my age – my ticking maternal clock.

But, I am ok, I really am 🙂 I am an Auntie now ( a super cool one 😉 ) and my Niece’s mean the world to me. These little angels give me a tiny glimpse of how it feels to be loved unconditionally by a child and it really does feel amazing! ❤ A childs’ love is so pure! ❤

And so, since I know, all too well how the struggle with fertility feels, I will continue to raise as much awareness as I can. I am hoping to attend some Fertility Events next year and I will continue to pursue other avenues so for now, I wish you all love, luck and lots of baby dust 🙂

Watch this space….. xxx

Grazia Magazine! 😊

Well, I apologise for not updating this blog for a while but it has been a rather busy few months!

It has now been over a year since my second cycle at my local clinic. I did enquire about whether there were any resulting pregnancies from my donation…. Unfortunately, this second clinic has been rather difficult to get any information from.  Of course, I understand the principles of patient confidentiality and this was indeed, an anonymous donation but I do wish that they were a little more forth coming with news regarding my eggs.  After all, ladies who donate their eggs want to help people create their famillies, so hearing good news about the cycle or just basic updates is something we crave….well, I do anyway.

Anyway, even  though they said that there hadn’t been any pregnancies, I do remember that each couple had six fertilised embryos from that cycle so unless none survived the thawing process (which could happen), they may still have viable embryos to try again with.

As for my first couple, the last update I heard was that they were still trying to get pregnant using my eggs. I still think about them often. Even though I have never met them, I feel such closeness to them, my special first couple. Everything with my first cycle was so personal and special, with letters, gifts and emotions invested and exchanged…..all anonymously through a third party. They will always hold a special place in my heart.

As far as I am concerned, while all three of my couples still have embryos, they still have hope. Even though I haven’t been through fertility treatment in an attempt to get pregnant myself, we have had many friends going through the gruelling process and the one thing you have to have is hope!

“When the world says ‘Give Up’, Hope whispers ‘Try one more time!” Never a truer quote when it comes to my couples. Thinking of them always! ❤

There has been some very exciting news this week and that is that ‘my story’ is featured in Grazia Magazine after I was interviewed by a lovely journalist a few months ago. If you fancy a read, it is out this week. I will add some photos here and hope you enjoy it.

I had a wonderful photoshoot and was professionally ‘styled’ with hair, make up and clothes…..talk about 5* celebrity treatment!   It was rather surreal to have someone dressing me and putting on my shoes, another person rushing in to me in between each shot to tidy my hair and retouch my make up and another person draping my coat round my shoulders to shield me from the wind and cold! A celebrity for a day!

As fun as it was, a day was enough for me! 😉

In all seriousness though, I was honoured that Grazia were so keen to feature my story and help me raise awareness. I know I have said this before, but everyday, I talk to someone and find out that they have had fertility treatment or they know someone who has….it is a lot more common than we think and needs to stop being a taboo subject!  Let’s talk about it! “Baby Love, my Baby Love, I need you, Oh how I need you!” ❤

I hope you enjoy the article 🙂

Many best wishes to you all, as always! xxxx

 

 

The beginning of the next chapter…

It has now been a month since my second egg retrieval and I am all back to normal.  I have had my implant inserted again, almost a year to the day since I had it removed!  You may remember back to my first blog posts, I had the implant to treat the symptoms of Endometriosis and had it removed so that I could start my first cycle.  Quite a successful year I think and I am so pleased with how well my body adjusted to both cycles….as well as the wonderful 29 eggs I was able to donate to my lovely couples!

A few weeks ago, I had a very exciting meeting….read here http://www.womenmakewaves.co.uk/shy-girl/  about the beginning of this next chapter that I am very happy to be embarking on!  Something I never thought I would be brave enough to do!  It is very interesting how your outlook in life can change and what you can push yourself to achieve when you have the passion! 😀

I will keep you posted on this new development 🙂

As always, thank you for your endless support, very much appreciated!

xxxxxxx

The end….of this chapter.

I had a pretty rough weekend after my egg retrieval this time.  I had bad bloating and awful, awful cramps.  Two days after retrieval I was feeling worse and in the evening, the cramps were so bad I was sick…and, as you can imagine, the force of being sick on my sore ovaries was pretty intense.  My husband was very close to calling an Ambulance but that was the last thing I wanted.  Thankfully, the vomiting stopped around 3am and I managed to get a little sleep.

The next day was also a bad day. As much as the vomiting had stopped, the pain was terrible.  It felt like I had pulled muscles by being sick so my entire abdominal area was a lot more tender than it had already been. I resigned myself to a day on the sofa.

On the Tuesday, 4 days after collection, I was relieved to wake up feeling much better! I turned a corner that day and am now well on the way to full recovery.  The process of egg retrieval and recovery took much longer this time and was generally more traumatic.  Just proves how every cycle can be so different.

Above all, I just kept reminding myself that they had retrieved 14 lovely eggs!  I heard the wonderful news that 12 of the 14 eggs had fertilised successfully!  So a grand total of 24 fertilised eggs for 3 couples hoping for a little miracle!  Let’s hope that they all get the wonderful news they so desperately want!  Thoughts are with them always ❤

So, will I be donating for a third time?  I don’t think so. The process, as wonderfully rewarding as it is, can be pretty hard going sometimes.  My body obviously struggled more this time so maybe it was its way of telling me that it wouldn’t really be overly sensible to do it again.  I certainly have always been one to listen to my body, I am a nurse, after all!  I am so pleased with how successful both of my cycles have been – 24 little chances of parenthood!  What happens now, I have no control over, all I can do is continue to wish all 3 of my couples the very best of luck in their journeys to parenthood – may all their dreams come true.

I may well be finished with donating eggs but that doesn’t mean I am done with altruistic acts.  As I have said before, doing things for other people ~ things they struggle with alone, helping people, helps me.  It gives me a buzz, makes me happy and is certainly something I will always continue with.  I am already planning my next ‘projects’ with the hope to carry on bringing hope and love to those around me.  As one chapter comes to an end, another is always ready to begin!

Thank you all so much for your endless support with my egg donation journey…twice.  I really couldn’t have done it without all the messages of love and support I received.  Much love to all.  I will, of course, update with any baby news when I hear it! 😀

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Egg retrieval for the second time.

I haven’t blogged very often during this second cycle as the process has been pretty much the same…

On Wednesday I had my final scan which showed 20 good sized follicles, mostly in my right ovary….strange that on my last cycle, my left ovary gave better results! I wonder if there is any medical reason for that?  Anyway, the eggs were ready for collection so, we got all ready to have my retrieval.  I had my trigger injection at 11.30 on Wednesday, which as before, had to be given exactly on time, if not, the entire cycle could fail!  No pressure then!

Thursday, I was feeling quite anxious.  It didn’t matter that I had done this before – I was still going to be having a needle stuck into my ovaries.  The nerves kicked in again.  I wasn’t in as much discomfort either…whereas last cycle, once I had had the trigger injection, I was in pain as it starts the ovulation process.  So, me being the over-thinker that I am started worrying that something was wrong because I was not in pain! I had a different medication as my ‘trigger’ this time so maybe that was the difference?

Alas, all was ok 😀

I went into theatre and was a lot more awake this time. It was quite nice to hear them counting as they collected each egg!  They did my left ovary first…”Right that’s 4 eggs” the Dr said….”4?? Is that all I said in my drugged, slurred speech!”  But then they moved to my right ovary…”so, 6 eggs, 8, 9, 10 now, 12…14 eggs!”  Ah that’s ok then! 😀 14 eggs in total, see I often worry when nothing is wrong! Ooops!

I was taken back to the recovery area where I relaxed for a while…but then the pain started – sharp, intense pain as if the needle was still in place digging into me constantly, all down my left side.  The nurse gave me a suppository for the pain as this method is more effective and acts more quickly. An hour later and my pain wasn’t improving, I was getting quite concerned, especially when I was sick.  I know I shouldn’t compare cycles as they can be so different but I hadn’t had this pain last time.  The Dr who had done the retrieval came to see me and did an emergency ultrasound scan…I had bled during the procedure which is quite normal so she wanted to make sure I wasn’t still bleeding internally.  The scan was fine thank goodness.  They were even talking about transferring me to the general hospital for admission and observation if my pain didn’t begin to improve, to be on the safe side.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing….they weren’t happy for me to go home at that time so we compromised…they agreed to let me stay for another hour in the hope the pain relief would kick in….I really didn’t want to be admitted.

I was so relieved when the pain started to subside! Soon, I was drinking tea, eating a snack and walking over to the bathroom.  No more blood so that was good.  A little while later, I got dressed and was discharged…home to my sofa!  I have no idea why I had more pain this time but I am so glad that that they checked me out thoroughly and nothing was wrong.

Today, I am brighter but still sore, not constant now so I know everything is beginning to heal. It just hurts when I sit down or get up, when my ovaries move with my body.

But, above everything else, they got 14 eggs!  This time, it was a shared cycle so however many eggs were collected were to be shared between two couples….so this is still 7 each – absolutely thrilled with that number!  I had fears that they would only get 2 or 3 each!  I am yet to find out how many have fertilised successfully.  As with my last cycle, the eggs would have been fertilised yesterday afternoon and will now, hopefully, be making some baby magic!

So, in total, that is 29 eggs over my two cycles and 3 couples that I have helped who now have the ‘ingredients’ they need to become parents! I must say that I am pretty chuffed with that! 😀

For me now, it is relaxing sofa time while I rest and recuperate.

Sending love and best wishes to all 3 of my couples who are, hopefully, about to embark on some very exciting times ahead.

Thank you all for your messages of love and support yet again!  Very much appreciated!  Love to all ❤

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…and the journey begins again!

I know it has been a long time since I updated but I have been busy preparing for my second cycle! 😀 I knew almost straight away after my last egg retrieval, that I would donate again.  It was such an incredible journey the first time around, why wouldn’t I? I can only update a little about my last couple – all I know is that they have not tried again as yet but are planning to sometime this year, when the time is right for them.  I continue to wish them all the luck in the world ❤

I have had a lot of people ask me why I am donating again.  “It won’t be the same for you this time” I have been told.  Well, no, I quite agree.  My first cycle was a very emotional one, I not only wanted to donate my eggs due to my own empathy with the situation but I had a lot to prove to myself, which I did.  I was so pleasantly surprised with how well my body dealt with the cycle and how I discovered that I am a lot stronger emotionally than I ever could have thought.  So, no, it wont be the same, I have nothing else to prove to myself.

However, I am already learning more and more about myself every day.  Like how I seem to have developed an addiction, a need, a desire to help others.  It brings me peace, it makes me happy and it lifts my spirits.  I enjoy it – yes, I know it sounds weird to say that I am enjoying stabbing myself with a needle or two every night and injecting hormones but that is by the by…it is the process and the end result that makes me happy!

Ultimately, this process it not about me and how I feel about it, it is about my couples. My couples, who I will never get to meet, who will never know my true identity or know about me and my life….but I still feel like we are friends. I think about them all the time and wonder how they’re coping with the emotion of trying so desperately to have a baby.  I wish I could be more of a friend to them but I know that, at least for the next 18 years, I am doing all I can for them.  I am doing this for them, not me.

I know and am at peace with the fact that I will never be a mother.  However, I am an auntie to my two beautiful nieces and I love it.  The eldest has started coming to stay with us now and for the first time in my life, I have felt the genuine, pure love from a child and it absolutely warms my heart.  If I cannot be a mother, then I will make sure I will be the best auntie I can possibly be and shower them with as much love as I can muster!  If this is what is feels like to get love from a child, then why would I not donate again to someone who wants so desperately to be a mother, to begin their own family and to feel the love of their own child?  There really was no decision to make as to whether I would like to donate again ~ of course I would!

So, on 19th February 2015, I went for my baseline scan and blood tests….. and so it begins again… 😀

Letter…18 years in the future!

This is the ‘goodwill message’ I wrote last year.  This, hopefully, will be given to the child when they reach 18.  It is to give them a little information about their egg donor and why I donated.  xx

“You don’t know me but if you are reading this letter, I can only assume that your parents have told you that in 2014, they needed an egg donor to be able to conceive you, and I decided to help. It also means that it worked – the treatment worked and they have you! Which makes me so, so happy!

You must be at least 18 now which would make the year 2033? It is very strange to be sitting here writing a letter to someone I don’t know who will be reading this in 2033. It is 2014 now and I have just turned 30, which means that when you are reading this, I will be be turning 50 next year! Scary!

I don’t know much about your Mum and Dad but I do know how much they wanted you. I received a letter from them before I started the medical side of this process and I learnt a lot about them from that. I know that they have struggled for a very long time to get you and now that you’re here, or since you arrived, all of their dreams will have come true! I don’t know if you have any siblings but you were their first born, the beautiful baby they waited so long for, went through treatment after treatment for and now they have you! What a incredible journey you have been on!

I am sure you have already been told this but I went through a process to stimulate my eggs so that the medical team could collect them. They were then fertilised with your Dad’s sperm and you were created, but you were just a tiny little embryo then needing a lot of TLC. You would have been transferred back into your Mum’s womb after a few days. Your Mum and Dad then went through an agonising two week wait before they were allowed to do a pregnancy test! I cannot even begin to imagine what strength they must have to be able to get through that time, the not knowing, the waiting, the wanting to test early, the desire to see the word ‘pregnant’. And then, they did see it, they probably couldn’t believe it at first and probably had to recheck it and redo it before they would let it sink in. ‘Pregnant’!!! Believe me, they thought they would never see that word! You are their little miracle. For the next 9 months, your Mum carried you and watched you grow. They loved you before they had even met you!

You are your parents are such strong people. You survived the odds before even turning into a baby! Now you are 18 and embarking on your adult life and I am so pleased for you all.

So, let me tell you a little about me….

As I have said, I am 30 years old. I have been married to my amazing husband for nearly 4 years. We had a whirlwind romance and were engaged within 6 weeks of meeting each other! I have dark brown eyes, brown hair, am fair skinned, slim build and petite 5 foot 1….although by now I may well have shrunk!  I had poor eyesight as a child but had laser eye surgery in 2012 after wearing contact lenses for 10 years. My big, brown eyes have always been my favourite physical attribute.

I am a Nurse and have been working in the caring profession since the age of 16. I qualified in 2005 when I was 21. Nursing is a calling, something that cannot be denied or ignored. I love it more everyday and I like to think that I make a difference in people’s lives when they are at their most vulnerable. I am also a Writer. I have had my own column and have been writing for as long as I can remember. Writing helps me make sense things of things and always makes me feel better (and I have been told I am actually quite good!) My friends and family are always telling me to write my book…..who knows, by the time you read this, I may well be a published author.

My husband and I do not and cannot have our own children. My husband has the condition Cystic Fibrosis which is a genetic lung condition and quite simply, does not produce any sperm. There are lots of reasons why we could not go through fertility treatments ourselves, mainly that my husbands’ health had to always take priority. It certainly is heartbreaking knowing that we will never have children so I completely understand how your Mum and Dad were feeling before they got you. It is an awful darkness that no one understands unless they hear the word ‘infertility’ themselves. I know your Mum and Dad have been battling their infertility for a long, long time, refusing to let it win. They never gave in and now, look at you!

I hope you are happy and have had a wonderful life up to now. As I have said, I don’t know your parents but I could certainly read between the lines of the letter they wrote me and I just knew they would be amazing parents. I have always listened to my sixth sense and trusted my initial judgement of people….when I read their letter, I had a really good feeling. I smiled and cried and knew I was doing the right thing.

Your parents are amazing people, you all are. Never lose sight of that. Love each other, appreciate each other and never forget to take time to remember how much you have all been through to get to where you are now – a beautiful, happy family.

I wish you all the best in the future, may your life be full of love, laughter, joy and happiness.

xxxxx”

Lovely article in newspaper about my blog :)

I know I haven’t updated for a while but there has been no news to pass on.  I have been thinking about my couple all the time and really hope that they get their good news soon.  When a couple suffer a miscarriage, it is quite common for them to recoil needing privacy and time to grieve which I completely respect.  I do know though that they have more frozen embryos to try again with when they are ready.

In the meantime, this is an article that was featured in our local paper.  I am so glad to be raising awareness of egg donation and getting people to talk about these ‘taboo’ subjects.

Thinking of every couple who are struggling to conceive, may you all get the positive news you so desperately want in 2015.

Happy New Year! xxxx

An unfortunate update….

This is an update I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to write. So much so, I have waited 3 days before telling anyone.

I received some bad news….unfortunately my couple have suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks gestation.

I am absolutely heartbroken for them.  After everything they have been through!  They have been trying to have a baby for so, so long and this was their first try with donor eggs.  They got pregnant for the very first time….how elated must they have felt, to then come crashing down again.  I received a lovely update 5 weeks ago when they had their 6 week scan confirming that it was a viable pregnancy and everything was looking good!  I had been hoping that I would soon get an update that their 12 week scan had also gone well and that they had reached that magical 3 month milestone.

This is just devastating.  Fortunately, they still have 11 more embryos to try again with but right now, I doubt that is any consolation.  I know that miscarriage can happen with any pregnancy and that there are higher risks with IVF but this is awful.  I wish I could help.  That was a tiny baby, a new life, one that they were planning on spending their lives loving, now it’s gone.

Am I ok?  Not really. An emotional mess to be quite honest.  I know this is not my fault but I feel so sad for them.  They got further than they had ever got before so I know my eggs were not the issue but it still hurts.  It is not me going through the miscarriage but it feels very personal.  They must feel like their world has fallen apart…..it has…..trying to have a baby has been their world for so long, consuming their every thought no doubt.  I just wish there was something, anything I could do to help but there’s not, no one can.  I will be ok, but will they?  I really hope they find the strength to try again.

Please, everyone keep them firmly in your thoughts.  I hope that in the coming months, I can update this blog with the happy news that they are pregnant again.

Sending them lots of love.

The journey continues…….

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…..Pregnancy Test Result…..!

Ok here goes, let’s get straight on with telling you all this result…..this is the email I received from the Fertility clinic today…

“I hope that you are well.  Just wanted to update you that the recipient couple have had a positive test today.  They are delighted and so happy.  I just wanted to share the wonderful news with you. Thank you again for all you have done and making such a huge difference for this couple.”

Yes, yes, yes! Pregnant, they’re pregnant, really pregnant after trying for a baby for so, so long! Wow it is so hard to put into words how I am feeling right now!  Absolutely over the moon for them!  Finally, after a very long, difficult, emotional journey, they are going to be parents to a beautiful, little miracle baby!

In 9 months time, they are going to be welcoming their baby into the world….cradling that tiny, fragile body, gazing into its eyes….”hello baby, we are your mummy and daddy and we have an incredible story to tell you….!”  Something I know they thought would never happen!!!

What a lovely email to wake up to…..my poor husband wondered what was wrong as I burst into tears as soon as I read the email!  Then started the task of telling of my lovely friends who were all so thrilled to hear this wonderful news!

Thank you all again for your support through this!  What an amazing, rewarding, heart warming journey!  Times like this I am absolutely blown away by community spirit, I have been thoroughly touched by how many of you have been really rooting for my couple, keeping everything crossed that they get that positive test, so many of you have sent me such lovely messages and shown me so much love.  I am so glad to have shared this journey with you all!

So, please join me in raising a glass to my couple and their amazing miracle baby! Massive congratulations to them, here’s to the beginning of their lives as ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’! ❤ ❤ ❤

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The two week wait!

It has now been 4 days since my egg collection so thought I would give a little update as much as I am able.

As I mentioned, my 15 eggs would have been fertilised on Friday afternoon.  Over the weekend, the embryologists would have kept a close eye on them to see how many fertilised successfully. I had been warned by people not to get my hopes up too much as the number of eggs retrieved does not always have any bearing on the amount that are fertilised – sometimes only a small amount of them will fertilise, the others not being viable.

On Monday morning, I received the amazing news that 12 of the 15 has successfully fertilised and survived the weekend! Wow that is incredible!  That gives my lovely couple 12 chances at getting their miracle baby!  Absolutely over the moon to hear this and I am sure my couple would have been too!  I am thrilled that everything is going so well for them so far, long may it continue!

The embryo’s would have been watched for another few days and depending on quality, have their strongest little embryo transferred back on day 3 or 5 – that may well have already taken place! Updates for me are going to be less frequent now as my part is now finished, there is nothing else I can do apart from send positive, well wishes to my couple.  So they may well have begun or will soon be beginning their agonising two week wait….

I cannot even begin to imagine how they must be feeling right now… fear, anxiety, dread, vulnerability, excitement, hormonal, desperate!  I should think they probably feel quite helpless for there is nothing else they can do now either…apart from her following a healthy lifestyle and ‘treating her body as if it is pregnant’. They have done all they can, they have the eggs, he produced his sperm and they fertilised well, the embryo’s survived the weekend and are now growing hopefully going to grow into a beautiful baby…..

For as long as they can remember, they have been planning for a baby and now, all they can do is wait!  Wait for another negative?  Wait for that wonderful positive?  Wait for the double line, the smiley face, that word ‘pregnant’ to appear in the little window.  Wait for that day when they will probably have a pot of urine and 3-4 pregnancy tests all lined up in case one malfunctions!  Wait for that test that is going to turn their world upside down and confirm that all of their dreams really are going to come true, after so, so long!  I really don’t think I could put myself in their shoes….they must be incredibly strong people and my heart absolutely goes out to them.

Even though the physical part I play in this process has ended now, it by no means ends my emotional involvement.  I too, am going to be counting the days of the next two weeks.  I know it is not me doing the pregnancy test but I am so eager to hear that this has worked for them. Come on Mother Nature, be a Chum! 🙂  I go back to work this week so that will at least keep me a little distracted and busy but I know that they will never be far from my mind.  I know when the time is nearing, when I see an incoming phone call from Altrui or City Fertility, I am going to be pretty anxious to hear that result!  I am going to have to wait until I am at home – it is going to be an emotional one no matter what I am told!

So, until then, I will continue to send them positive vibes and hope that little embryo is doing its absolute best to grab hold and start growing! ❤

Oh and thank you to everyone for all your well wishes and beautiful messages of love, support and checking I am ok!  I have been absolutely overwhelmed by how many lovely, emotional, heartfelt messages I have received!  Thank you for confiding in me, thank you for trusting me and thank you for loving me! And to my husband, as always, thank you for being my rock! xxxxx

Egg collection day! :D

So, Thursday came and went as I packed my bag of things I may need with me for my egg collection.

I was ok, until I decided to look at youtube for egg retrieval procedures….I knew how it was done anyway but wanted to see it!  Then it sunk in,’ I am having a needle stuck into my ovaries tomorrow!’ Eekkk!  I knew I was going to be asleep though and had been assured that I wouldn’t feel anything!  At 10pm, I had my last cup of tea and snack and went to bed…..I hesitate to say “went to sleep” because I didn’t..but at least I rested!

I got up early Friday morning and triple checked I had everything packed.  I was sore, very sore! It is expected due to the trigger injection starting to release the eggs which can also cause ovulation cramps…..and oh boy did it!  But that was the first and only day that I would describe my symptoms as ‘pain!’  Certainly not a bad thing, just meant that my eggs were getting ready to be released!

After a rather painful journey to London, feeling every single bump in the road, we arrived at City Fertility!  We were promptly shown to my room and I was asked to get changed……disposable (see through!!) gown, slippers and sexy hat!! Wow, what a looker….as well as having bags under my eyes and no make up to cover my hormonal spots! 😦

I saw the nurse, anaesthetist and Dr performing the procedure and we were all ready to go.  I walked into the operating theatre, confirmed my identity again and laid down.  I had a cannula put in my hand and the anaesthetist started to sedate me!  I know they said I wouldn’t feel anything but that was more like a general anaesthetic than sedation – I was fast asleep and I didn’t know a thing until I was back in my room!  “All done” they said as they got me tucked up in bed where I slept soundly for another half an hour. I remember seeing my husband and checking that he had been out for lunch and was ok…..what I didn’t realise was that I went on to ask him 5 more times in my sleep! Oooops 🙂

I came round and brightened up quite quickly.  I had some water, and my home made electrolyte drink and soon after, enjoyed my first lovely cup of tea!  Aahh bliss!  Apart from having a hard tummy and being a little sore, I was feeling surprisingly ok!  

The Dr then came in to tell me the wonderful news that they had managed to retrieve 15 lovely eggs!!!  I was so happy!  A brilliant number!  It also means that should this attempt for my couple not result in a pregnancy, they have enough eggs to try again without having to look for another donor.  If it is successful, apart this being fantastic, they will have the eggs frozen so that they could potentially have a another baby with the same genetic make up – therefore a full sibling! Clever stuff huh! 😉

I was then given a gift and card that my couple had left at the clinic that morning for me. A beautiful necklace of an egg inside a follicle, the egg engraved with “Our thanks always, 2014” …. that was it, hormones got the better of me!  Such a lovely gift and a wonderful keepsake!  How sweet of them! ❤

After a few hours, once I had visited the loo, I was allowed to go home.  Problem – we got a few miles down the road (in very slow moving traffic) and I became desperate for the loo again.  I had had 2 bottles of drink and tea and now, I had to go….even though I had been before we left. An excuse to stop for some food in the hope that some of the traffic would die down.  It didn’t but it was a lovely stop off, all the same!

We finally got home at 7pm. I got straight on the sofa and there I stayed with my lovely husband making sure I was ok 🙂

So, what happens now?

The eggs will have been fertilised yesterday afternoon.  Today, my couple will be told how many fertilised embryo’s they have!  They will then be left for a few days to make some magic, hopefully lots will continue to grow!  In 3-5 days, depending on growth and quality, one embryo will be transferred back into her womb…..and then the rest is down to our dear friend Mother Nature!  My couple will then have to wait an agonizing two weeks before they can do a pregnancy test!   I am sure that when that time comes, they are going to be going through such a broad spectrum of emotions!  They will probably be so scared to even look at the test! 

Willing, hoping and keeping all fingers and toes crossed that it is a positive for them!  I know how desperately they want this.  Please, everyone, keep them in your thoughts as they face a very difficult, emotional few weeks! ❤  I will update as I can but now, my part in all this is finished.  I will, however, be told if they are pregnant!  That will be a nerve racking phone call that’s for sure!

Huge thanks to everyone who has supported me through all of this.  I received so many good luck messages yesterday morning and so many messages from people praising me, all so unexpected and amazing to hear people saying such wonderful things about me!  Talk about make me emotional though!  Feeling incredibly loved right now!  Thank you all! ❤ ❤ ❤

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That’s it, eggs are ready to collect!

Well, after that wonderful scan on Monday, I was actually looking forward to going back to the clinic for my next (and final) one on Wednesday!

I had been feeling a lot more bloated and ‘full’ so thought there had probably been another growing spurt!  Well, there certainly had!  The scan revealed that I now have 27 follicles, 19 of which are good sizes! They were counted and measured again which showed that I have 6 follicles measuring 20mm and above – yes 6 follicles at more than 2cm each….no wonder I am bloated!!!  And the rest all measured 17mm and above!   Wow, looks like they will get a good number of eggs!  I was absolutely over the moon, especially to see how lovely they all looked on my scan!  I had done lots of research and had looked at countless scan pictures on the internet….this was exactly what I had wanted to see – lots of large black follicles – hopefully each one holding a nicely matured egg!  That’s it, they were ready!  Eekk!

With the scan over, it was time to get everything ready for my retrieval on Friday.  We went over the last few bits of paperwork, made sure my consent form was signed and gave in my goodwill message!  I was to be Nil By Mouth 6 hours before….I can quite easily go without food but no morning cup of tea?! Oh no!  At least I wont be going through the usual pain of a full bladder during the drive to London this time then!

Next was instructions for my trigger injection.  A final, very important, one off injection which needs to be EXACTLY 35 hours before egg collection!  This is to help the eggs mature and starts the process of releasing the eggs so in 35 hours time, they will be ready.  My retrieval is at 12.30 on Friday which meant that I needed to do my injection at 1.30am Thursday morning! I was already knackered so made sure I set my alarm to make sure I didn’t miss it!  For the first time in this whole process, I actually felt nervous doing this one.  Not for the injection itself but making sure I didn’t get it wrong!  If I did, it would be disastrous, for my eggs and for my couple!  I drew up the Suprecur, double and triple checked it and even got my husband to check it with me, then gave it in my tummy!  Cor that one stung but all ok.

So 23 injections later, the treatment part of the process is complete!  Yes, I am bloated and quite uncomfortable now with the retrieval being tomorrow but the process has been a lot better than I thought it would be! 🙂

Well, big day tomorrow!  I am ok, looking forward to hearing how many eggs they managed to get which they will come and tell me when I have woken up! 😀 Zzzzzzz

I will, of course, update again as soon as I can tomorrow or Saturday!  Thank you to all of you who have messaged me and wished me luck!  I will be fine, I will have my husband with me so of course I will be ❤ . Please, please, please keep my couple in your thoughts.  Even though it is me going through the collection tomorrow, I know they are going to be anxious to hear how many eggs have been retrieved.  After all, this is all for them.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be part 1 of their dreams coming true ~ 11th July 2014, the day that their miracle baby was first fertilised and became a tiny embryo!  Hopefully a day that they will always remember and smile! ❤

A marvellous, magical Monday!

Well, Monday was scan day again and I must say I was pretty excited to get home and get this blog written so I could tell you all the good news….

We made the journey into London again, ensuring we dodged the Tour de France route, thank goodness I have a husband who knows his way around our big city!  I had had quite an emotional and tense weekend.  As I mentioned in my last blog, I was disappointed in the growth of my follicles at my scan on Friday.  As much as I was reassured, I was still concerned, even though no one else was.  A friend asked me “what happens if they just don’t grow?” “Ah, they will!” I replied with a smile but then I thought “well, what if they don’t??!”  I tried not to dwell on that possibility but I really needed my next scan to be positive……not that my last was negative at all, but I do tend to over analyse and worry, sometimes when worry is completely unnecessary!

Well, I got ready for my scan, keeping my fingers crossed I would see an improvement.  And there it was – the image I had been so eager to see – a picture of my ovaries full of large black follicles! “That’s a bit more like it!” I said with a smile!  “Certainly is!” came the reply!  I tried not to look too over excited but in my mind all I was thinking was “YES, thank goodness!”

Then began the usual task of counting and measuring the follicles!  I have 25 now so quite a lengthy process!  Some biggies measuring 18mm – considered mature, quite a few at 16/15mm, some at 14/12mm that need to grow a little bit more and some little’uns but all looking fabulous! Again, it was reiterated that quality eggs that grow at a slower pace is always much more preferential! Very nearly there! The medium ones just need a little bit more time to cook and should be as big and mature as the others.  I also had another blood test to recheck my hormone levels.  They will be significantly raised due to the injections but they just wanted to check that they were not too high as they monitor carefully to ensure that my ovaries are not being overstimulated ~ my levels were all fine!

So, the plan now is to continue my injections at the same dose and then go for another scan on Wednesday.  This will be my final one to make sure everything is ready for egg collection on Friday! 😀  I will need to do a ‘trigger injection’ Wednesday night to get ready but I will explain more about that later.  It’s all so close now! 😀

How am I feeling?  In a word – bloated!  I could feel myself getting a lot more bloated and ‘feeling full’ over the weekend so hoped I would see an improvement on my scan.  I have quite a bump now…which gets bigger as the day goes on…..I am ending my days waddling around and laying on the sofa! According to my friends, I look like I am 3 months gone.  I did chuckle as one friend commented “I’ve never seen you with a belly!” 🙂  Jeans are far from comfortable now and I have traded them in for summer dresses and clothes without a waist band!  Much better! 😉

The tiredness and lethargy is quite hard to get used to, I am usually a very active person.  At the moment, I go out for 3-4 hours and need a kip!  What?!  Fascinating how your body reacts to different things and basically tells you what it needs.  I haven’t always been the best at listening to my body but I am trying to at the moment ~ if I get a headache I drink, if I am tired I try to sleep and if I need to chat to a friend, I do ~  Thank you to all my wonderful friends who are there with me through every tearful phone call, every happy scan update and every photo of my bloated belly ~ your support has been amazing!  And thanks to my incredible husband for putting up with my hormones 😉

It is all getting so exciting now, so close!  Just think, in just under 3 weeks time, my couple will anxiously be doing a pregnancy test to see if they will finally, after all these years, become parents!  How must they be feeling right now?!? ❤ Thoughts are with them always xxx

Slow and steady wins the race!

Friday and time for another scan at my local clinic.

This is going to be a short blog as I don’t have a lot to report. Everything is going in the right direction but still on the slow side. I now have 24 follicles but some are so small that there is high chance that they wont grow big enough to be nice mature eggs, so I am going to discount these little’uns and just focus on my original 19.

I must admit, I was a little disappointed today and when I got in from my scan, I had a little weep. I am feeling very hormonal today which again, is quite normal and expected. It probably doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep well last night so things are more intense when tired! I am so eager to look over at that monitor and see lots of large follicles. They are growing, just at a snails pace! I suppose it’s true what they say – a watched pot never boils! I never have been the most patient person and I have to remind myself that this week, there has only been 48 hours in between each scan so not a lot of time to see a difference really.

My egg collection which was scheduled in for Monday has been postponed and I will be rescanned instead. Again, I am reassured that everything is absolutely ok and everyone grows at different rates! So I will continue my injections over the weekend and see what Monday brings! 😀

My other task for the weekend is writing a ‘goodwill message’ for any resulting child. As I have mentioned, this is an anonymous donation but any child that may result from my donation, has a legal right to know more information about me and their genetics when they reach the age of 18 – non identifying information but things like eye colour, hair colour, my job, personality traits, age, why I chose to donate etc… so to help them, I have been asked to write a little message to tell them a bit about myself in my own words. It is hard to know where to start bearing in mind, this wont even be opened for at least another 18 years potentially, and by then I will be getting on for turning 50 – now that is scary!!! This is certainly going to take a considerable amount of time and thought!

Thoughts are always with my couple but especially on days like today. When I got in from my scan feeling emotional, I re-read the letter I received from them back in April. I am actually carrying it around with me at the moment, it helps somehow, a bit like a security blanket! Reading it, I just know how much this means to them and exactly why I am doing this. I feel so close to them, which I know is a strange things to say, especially since I have never met them, probably never will and this is an anonymous donation. However, this is such an incredible journey we are all going through together and no matter what the result is, they will always be in my thoughts and I am sure that I will always be in theirs ❤

How do you like your eggs in the morning…?

Today was my first scan at my local clinic ~ the same clinic that my friends went to for their successful IVF cycle ~ it was quite surreal realising that I was sitting in the same waiting room as they were a few years ago when they started their process.  It is amazing to now see their little girl running around full of life!  Whilst waiting, I also received a text message from a friend telling me about her pregnancy! Such wonderful news and what a perfect time to hear it ❤ 😀

As I sat there and looked around, I saw that I was surrounded by lots of nervous couples…sitting there so quietly, hands tightly held, looking anxious as if they were forgetting to breathe, red eyes full of tears just waiting to spill over and roll down their cheeks.  I so much wanted to give hugs and just wish them luck with whatever they were going through. It really reminded me of the appointment I had many years ago to have my implant fitted to treat my Endometriosis.  The word ‘infertility’ was still very new and very raw.  A ‘family planning clinic’ is not generally somewhere people who can’t have children want to go!  I was very emotional sitting there and it didn’t help being surrounded by new babies, cute toddlers, and mums who were there to discuss contraception.  I remember how much I just wanted to run away! My heart goes out to every couple embarking on the fertility journey, may all your dreams come true and you soon hear the pitter patter of tiny feet!

Do you realise that 1 in 5 couples have trouble getting pregnant?!  I think that is quite high but it is such a taboo subject, not many feel comfortable talking about these issues.  As I have started to be a lot more open about this journey, I have been thoroughly moved by how many people have confided in me about their own fertility issues.  You will be surprised by how many people have needed a little helping hand along the way.  Also, it has been wonderful to hear such lovely stories from people about friends who have received donor eggs and are now enjoying their beautiful little families! So many people have told me about someone they know, almost everyone I have spoken to knows someone whether it be friend, colleague or family member 🙂  When I hear friends talking about their beautiful babies and how much they mean to them, it warms my heart and brings a tear to my eye!  This is exactly why I am doing this ~ so someone else can experience something so beautiful!

Anyway, my scan went well, I still have the 19 follicles but because there are so many, they are a little bit on the slow side ~ all jostling for room! This is quite normal and I am assured, nothing to be worried about. So for now, I am continuing on the increased dose of Gonal F and have another scan on Friday. Tomorrow I will begin taking the second injection ~ Cetrotide, this is the one to stop me releasing the eggs too early! I am quite impressed with how well my legs are surviving ~ so far, I have only one injection site that has bruised!  I am making sure I stick to my healthy diet so my body has all the right nutrients to aid healing.

Another big tip – keeping hydrated!  I have been drinking lots of water – hence the previously mentioned regular trips to the loo! But it is also really important to drink fluids that will replace electrolytes.  My husband found me a wonderful recipe for a home made, natural electrolyte drink containing fresh orange juice, fresh lemon juice, organic honey, Himalayan salt and coconut water.  I tried it for the first time yesterday and it is actually very tasty! Doing my best to drink plenty! 😀

Since my little follicles are a bit slow to grow, there is the likelihood that my egg collection will be postponed by a few days. This can happen quite a lot and is nothing to be concerned about.  Best to give them enough time to mature, after all these things can’t be rushed! 😀 Could say they are being a bit stubborn…they are my eggs after all 😉

Let’s see what Fridays scan brings …….

Survival of the fittest!

Well, I was pleasantly surprised by my lack of symptoms over the weekend having started my first lot of injections.  I felt fine….  The only slight inconvenience was the amount I was needing to go to the loo since I was drinking so much water!  The first time I really noticed that things were starting to happen was on Saturday night when I went out with some friends.  I felt great and loved being able to have a bit of a dance with my girls…even though I was taking regular trips to the ladies.  Everything was fine until we were waiting for a cab home and I didn’t have access to a toilet….very quickly it turned into quite bad discomfort as I stood there subtly undoing my jeans to allow my tummy a bit more room to relax a bit, I was desperate for the cab to arrive!  But I soon got home and as soon as I got to the loo and took off my jeans, I was fine again! Ah what a relief!  Note to self – don’t be too far away from a toilet at the moment when I already have a bloated tummy, otherwise it hurts!

Sunday was the first day I really noticed that I was starting to get a bit hormonal!  We had a relaxing day and I was feeling quite tired having been on night shifts earlier in the week.  Tiredness and lethargy is a common and expected side effect by the way.  We sat down and watched some good ole chick flicks….recipe for disaster….my husband didn’t even need to look at me at certain points in these films, just simply passed me the box of tissues!  He knows me so well 😀 We both laughed and agreed that yep, hormones are kicking in!

Anyway, Monday we were back at City Fertility for my first scan after starting injections.  I was eager to see how everything was growing! To recap – at my baseline scan I had 30 follicles which is a very high number to start with.  5 days on and I have 19….my heart sunk!  I thought there were supposed to be more, not less??  Oh, is this bad?  The remaining follicles hadn’t grown very fast either so after checking with the Doctor, my dose of Gonal F has now been increased to 225 units and my next injection – the one to stop me releasing my eggs too early has been delayed by a few days…..oh no!  But, after asking lots of questions about what is normal, I felt a lot happier.  I had a lot of follicles at the beginning which is why I was started on such a low dose…being cautious not to overstimulate.  Plus, not all follicles mature into eggs so for the number to decrease rather than increase is quite normal.  After all, quality is better than quantity!  19 growing follicles is still an ‘egg’cellent number to have at this point in the process!  Having ascertained all of this, I asked “so you’re not concerned at all?”  And was very pleased to be told “No, not at all!”  Ahhh thank goodness, big sigh of relief!  This is why everything is monitored so closely, to measure follicles, count them and tweak medications as necessary! 

I also received lots of positive reassurance from the girls at Altrui who confirmed everything that I had been told and complimented me on how well I am doing!  Support, reassurance and some kind words really do go a long way….especially when feeling hormonal and easily emotional! ❤

So last night, I took 225 units of Gonal F and Wednesday I have another scan to see how the remaining 19 are growing 😀  Survival of the fittest…. 🙂

Today, I am feeling rather fragile, very tired, bloated and a bit achy.  I think it is probably because we had such an enjoyable but long day in London yesterday, having gone to enjoy some sights after my appointment!  I am drinking lots of water in the hope it will relieve my headache and I am sure that after a bit of a snooze, I will feel brighter again!  And if not, I will just have to resign myself to the sofa with a good film!  

Feeling positive though, everyone keeps reiterating that I have a wonderful number of follicles, and even if I lose another few along the way, it will still be a great number!  So all good 😀  I just want to give my couple as good a chance as possible!

Oh and just a quick shout out to all my menopausal friends who have told me all about their hot flushes!  I can now completely empathise….I knew this was a side effect for me straight away….as my friends pointed out – I am NEVER hot!  Feels like someone has just lit a match right in front of my face….but then after 5 minutes I am putting my cardigan back on again!  Quite amusing really! We are hot stuff eh ladies! 😉

I will update again tomorrow after my next scan!  Please, please keep everything crossed for me and my 19 little follicles! Thank you! xxxxxxx

…and we’re off! First injection complete!

So, yesterday my husband and I made our second trip to City Fertility for my baseline scan.  I had had my period since stopping the Pill so my womb lining was thin as it should be.  The scan was a lot quicker than my first one and was simply to have a look at my ovaries and follicles to gain a baseline figure.  The great news is that I had approximately 13 follicles on my right side and approximately 17 on my left!

The hope is that these follicles will mature into eggs and be able to be collected.  This is a great number to start with!  The greater the number of follicles, the more chances…. Although, it could be that not all follicles mature into eggs, not all eggs are good enough for collection, not all will be fertilised successfully and not all fertilised eggs will survive long enough to be put back into the womb.

But…it could also be that all follicles mature into eggs, all are collected and fertilised successfully and then my couple will have enough little embryos to be put back into the womb and to freeze some for a later date!  So, let’s hope its the latter!

With everything looking great with my scan, it was time to finalise my treatment plan and get down to business.  With all of that done and a final blood test, we were free to go.  A quick appointment this time and wonderful to hear how everything is going so swimmingly so far.

6pm last night and it was time for my first injection.  I am on 175 units of Gonal F which is a combination of two hormones to stimulate the production of the ovaries. I will be on this for the next 10 evenings.  The Gonal F is a very easy injection to administer. It comes in a pen – similar to an insulin pen and all I need to do is dial up to 175 for my dose.  This is given subcutaneously so just underneath the skin with a very small needle.  The thought of injecting myself was never something that worried me but I know that this can be quite a hurdle for some people. I chose my upper thigh, simply because I have more fat there than on my tummy but either area is fine 🙂  I will endeavour to alternate my injection sites over the next few weeks, especially when I am injecting 2 each night!

So, for now, I will carry on with this dose, same time each evening until Monday when we are back at City Fertility again.  This will be for another scan to monitor my follicles and to review my treatment plan, probably adding in the next drug which will be to stop me releasing these eggs too early.  The whole process is absolutely fascinating! 😀

For now, I can carry on as normal ensuring that I increase my intake of water which is quite easy to do in this heat!!  I know I have only done one injection so far, but no ill effects as yet which is great!  I will update again soon 🙂

Thank you again to everyone showing me so much support!  It really does mean a lot knowing that I have the support of my friends, family, colleagues and complete strangers through this blog!  Thoughts are with my couple as they now embark on the medical side of treatment too! ❤  It feels absolutely amazing to be embarking on such an incredible journey for my couple!  I will do everything I possibly can to produce the best quality eggs, I just really hope that when it comes to transferring the embryos back, that my couple have Mother Nature firmly on their side! xxx

…and so it begins…

So, after what has felt like an age ….I take my last Microgynon Pill tonight.  I should get a period in the next few days and my body will then be ready to begin the medical side of this process.  

On Wednesday, my husband (who is with me every step of the way – whether this is to guide me around London due to severe lack of direction, to keep me company or hold my hand and give me a hug when I need it) and I will be making our next trip to City Fertility.  There, I will have my next scan – my baseline – this is to check everything is good after having had the Pill, take pre-medication measurements and make sure everything is ready.  Following this, I will have another consultation to go through all of my medication regime….I will update on this later but I believe that some days I will be having two injections for 10-12 days leading up to egg collection. I will probably be starting these Wednesday evening!

A massive thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me on this journey so far.  I have been completely blown away by the positive response and incredible support I have received.  I am, and always have been, a very emotional person.  Some people are saying such lovely things to me that they have moved me to tears….the running joke at the moment is that this is only going to get worse when I start all the hormones! 😀  I hope you are all armed with a pocket of tissues!

In all seriousness, many of my friends have asked how I am feeling knowing that everything gets started next week.  Am I scared? Am I nervous?  Am I going to be pain?  Actually no to all three.  I am not scared, I have done extensive research and am pretty sure I know what to expect.  Am I nervous?  No, the only thing that worries me is making sure I have all of my treatment regime straight in my head so there is no room for error.  Seeing the great pile of injections in my fridge was a little daunting at first but I will make sure we do not leave clnic until I am happy 🙂 

Will I be in pain? I am not expecting to be!  Of course, it has crossed my mind that this may cause some discomfort with my Endometriosis but since I got a glowing report at my last scan, I am a lot less concerned about this now.  I am, however, expecting to be bloated and perhaps a little tender on my abdomen in the final days before egg collection….this is nothing to be worried about, it just means that my body is responding well to the stimulating drugs and my eggs are almost ripe and ready to make some magic.

I am actually really looking forward to getting started.  I am ready now.  

My thoughts are constantly with my couple.  People have asked me (knowing of my emotional personality) how I will deal with this being anonymous and will I be able to just let it rest?  Of course I will.  This is not something that can be entered into without a great deal of thought and emotion.  People may be concerned about me emotionally but please, please don’t be.  Yes, I am emotional and I know this is going to be an emotional journey, but I never have in my life, and hope I never will, undertaken anything without giving it all my emotion, passion and dedication. I am not scared of emotion, why enter into something if you don’t want it to effect you as a person?  I am one of life’s ‘criers’ and I am not ashamed of that.  I will always be thinking of my couple, and yes, if they are fortunate enough to get pregnant, of course, there will be times in future years that I will wonder and think about them all.  But that is all it will be, give them a thought and a smile and hope that they too are smiling when they think about me 🙂

So, this weekend, I am making sure all of my paperwork is in order, my consent forms are signed and delivered to my local clinic, and our London congestion charge is paid.  

We are all set and ready to go…..just a few more days to wait…

Dispelling the myths.

With the green light to go-ahead, we are now in the process of setting dates, organising the treatment plan and booking in my scans. I have now started the Pill to synchronize my cycle with the recipient woman.  In a few weeks, I will be starting injections which will start to ripen my eggs ready for collection.  I have received my big box of medications, including my sharps box for safe disposal of the needles and we will soon be ready to go!  I am so eager to start, although my thoughts are constantly with my couple.  I should think that they have such a wide spectrum of emotions going on right now – excitement, anxiety, fear….

The thought that the word ‘mother’ could possibly soon apply to her, after wanting this for so long must be quite overwhelming.  And a mother is exactly what she will be….

I just want to take this opportunity to write about a few things that people have asked me about.  I certainly welcome people’s questions and will do whatever I can to help people understand a bit more about egg donation.  

I am donating eggs, which are sets of genes – genes that need to be paired with another set from a man to make a baby.  What I am donating, will not make a baby alone.  I will not suddenly become a mother, I will not have a ‘child’ out there somewhere, there will not be ‘little me’s’ running around,  for I can only donate half of what is needed – and that is purely from a genetic point of view.  The woman who is going to receive my eggs, will (hopefully) become a mother.  My part in all of this ends after egg collection.  From then, the fertilised eggs will be put back into the recipient woman.  She will grow this baby for 9 months, she will give birth, she will be the first to look into the eyes of her beautiful baby and create the mother/baby bond.

Matching a donor with a recipient is quite a complex process.  They not only match us on looks but personality, hobbies, likes and dislikes as well.  We probably have the same hair and eye colour (so there could be a chance that the resulting baby has these things in common with its mother) and I already know that we have very similar personalities.  So if the baby develops a love of (lets pick anything….Art)….would that be a genetic link to me or have they developed that love through watching their mother love art?  Of course, there is always the chance that the male genes may be more dominant and the baby will be very similar in looks and personality to its Dad 🙂

I am a great believer in nurture versus nature.  Yes, my couple need help with eggs so I am doing what I can with that part.  It takes a lot more than my set of genes to raise a child and turn them into well rounded, nice, compassionate, caring person.  There are so many factors affecting the growth and development of a baby – mostly the love and environment it is bought up in.  A baby, no matter where its genetic roots lie, needs unconditional TLC and in return, that baby will grow up loving the people who taught them how to love!

I love the love that my recipient couple already have towards the baby they do not have yet…..They are full of love and I just know that their baby will be cherished and adored.  What more could I ask then to know that my eggs are going to go to a couple that will shower their baby with love and adoration.  As The Beatles sang so wisely – “All You Need is Love!” 😀

….and the results are in…

The first thing we did after leaving the clinic was go for a celebratory meal.  After all, by getting this far and to come out with a big grin, was already a lot further than I thought I would get.  I am a positive person but I am also a realist and as I have mentioned before, I knew that there was a real possibility of my Endometriosis putting a halt to everything (after all, some women are infertile due to Endometriosis alone!).  So, my husband and I raised a glass to toast the occasion and I got busy texting the girls at Altrui while my husband studied the menu.

Just in case anyone is wondering, this was the last glass of wine I had and this was a month ago.  As far as I am concerned, I will now follow the same healthy lifestyle as a woman trying to get pregnant – no smoking (not that I do lol), no alcohol, regular light exercise, healthy diet and commencing daily Folic Acid.  I will do whatever I can to make my eggs as healthy and strong  as possible to give them the best chance of fertilisation, implantation and turning into a baby 🙂

We enjoyed our dinner and made the long journey home.  I sent messages detailing my day to the few friends and family I had confided in and tried not to count the days as I began to wait for results…..not so easy!

Luckily it was only a week or so until I heard from Alison with the first set of blood results – good news!  My HIV, Hepatitis and Gonorrhoea were all negative….well I already knew that anyway!  But also my hormone levels were brilliant meaning that there should be no problems stimulating my eggs.  This was wonderful to hear, as again, I didn’t know if my hormone levels would be too low due to having had the implant….I was warned that my ovaries may be a ‘little quiet’ for a while… but nope, they woke up from their sleep and are now bright and alert and ready for action.

But I still had to wait for the all important chromosome analysis and genetic screen!

Whilst waiting, I received a proposed treatment plan from City Fertility detailing dates to commence treatments, check up scans and potential egg collection….ooo does this mean all my screening is clear?  No, unfortunately it didn’t and my heart sunk.  I was told that plans were made with the assumption that screening will be clear.  If this is not the case, the whole thing would be cancelled and the search for a new donor would begin.

So I tried to stay positive again and spoke to my manager about these potential dates making it clear that I hadn’t had the official go-ahead yet…..the waiting was killing me!  One minute I wanted to tell everyone about the incredible journey I was embarking on as I am extremely proud of what I am doing and with my own infertility issues, raising awareness is something very close to my heart and very important to me…… but on the other side, my sensible brain was telling me to just bide my time until I had all my results and then tell more people, after all, what would I do if I then had to tell people that I couldn’t donate after all??!

Thankfully I didn’t have to wait much longer as I soon received an email from City Fertility in the third week after my appointment with the fantastic news that my final results were all normal!  😀  Woohoo!  Nothing genetic that could be passed onto a baby, including the Cystic Fibrosis gene.  I have many friends with CF, many who have been through fertility treatments themselves so knowing that I do not carry the gene for this heartbreaking condition is wonderful news!

I was absolutely overjoyed to hear all this, that was it, the last test we were waiting for and with it being normal, I was given the green light to go ahead with the donation!  I had a grin from ear to ear and could not wait to pass on the good news to the lovely ladies at Altrui.  I thought about my recipient couple and how they would be feeling when they get told that their donor is all clear and good to go. What an emotional journey for us all and I am so proud to be a part of it ❤

I now await further instruction….!

The rigorous screening process….

The first thing for me to do was to get my contraceptive implant removed…I’d had this in place for the past 3 years to treat the symptoms of my Endometriosis.  It was due for renewal anyway so now would be the perfect time to see how my body would respond without it.  Rewind 3 years and I had been in severe pain with this, having also suffered a perforated Ovarian Cyst, most days I was barely able to stand up straight!  However, I certainly didn’t want to not try to begin the process of egg donation just in case I got some pain.  Knowing the pain of infertility, my Endometriosis pain is a small price to pay if I could help a couple become parents.

So, the day came for removal and to say I was nervous is a slight understatement.  The procedure is usually fairly straightforward, a little cut and they pull out the implant with forceps.  However, I had lost some weight since the insertion so it had moved quite considerably and kept moving away from the forceps.  Luckily, the local anaesthetic was very effective and I didn’t feel any pain.  I did have a nice yellow-green arm for a while afterwards though.

I tried to remain positive and not focus on the fact that my Endometriosis pain may well return with a vengeance.  Days turned into weeks and no sign of any pain!  Then quite unbelievably, one morning a few weeks later, I got my period, my first in 3 years.  It took me completely by surprise as again – no pain!   This was the first time in 15 years that I had had a period with no pain – amazed to say the least!  This also meant that my body was responding well to the implant coming out and was starting to get back into a cycle. This is great news for egg donation as sometimes it can take 4-5 months to get the effects of the implant out of the system meaning a delay in the treatment cycle.  So, all round, a very positive start!

The day for my first appointment at City Fertility in London finally arrived.  I had been feeling quite nervous leading up to it.  After all, if anything was not as it should be in this screening, I would not be able to donate.  I couldn’t help but keep thinking of my recipient couple throughout the day.  I would be absolutely devastated for them if I was not able to proceed and they would have to start all over again with finding a new donor.

My husband and I began the day with the train journey into London. After stopping off for some lunch, we arrived at City Fertility clinic.  First of all I was introduced to Jane, Head of Nursing, and we kicked things off straight away with the internal examination and ultrasound scan of my ovaries and uterus.  This is the part I was most nervous about – from a pain perspective and regarding my Endometriosis. After the initial embarrassment of explaining that I have a latex allergy so they couldn’t the normal latex sheath on the probe and then discovering that they didn’t have any non-latex ones so had to use a non latex glove over the probe!  Ah well, the giggles about that certainly broke the ice!!!  I was quite tense but not surprising since my last internal scan had been 4 years ago and was excruciatingly painful! This time, again I was amazed that there was no pain during this scan!  I was even able to sit up and look at the monitor.  I was over the moon to hear that everything looked lovely and healthy!  My husband and I have been following a very healthy lifestyle which seemingly has done me the world of good!  Hearing such wonderful news actually made me quite emotional. My ovaries looked good and very healthy and Jane seemed to think that I would get another period in a few weeks as my womb lining was thickening nicely.  This again is a good sign that my body is getting back to normal fairly quickly after my implant removal!  All in all and very successful scan!  Jane had no problem with me progressing 🙂

Next was the mandatory implications counselling session for both my husband and I.  Again, I was a little concerned about this due to my own infertility. But I had nothing to worry about at all.  The counsellor was very sweet and covered lots of issues.  We went into depth about us not having our own children and my reasons for wanting to donate my eggs.  She also said she has no problem with us progressing 🙂

Then we were onto all the nursing aspects.  I was given the Pill to start on the day of my next period.  This is to synchronize my cycle with the recipient woman.  Whilst I will be on medications to stimulate my ovaries ready for egg collection, she will be on medications to thicken the lining of her womb to get ready for the fertilised embryo to embed.  I then had 7 vials of blood taken…my poor little arm was going purple by the end!  All donors have to go through a stringent screening process to ensure suitability to donate.  Bloods include checking for genetic conditions such as Cystic Fibrosis and Chromosome Analysis ; Full hormone profile to ensure that there should be no difficulty in stimulating egg production ; blood group ; and other bloods cover making sure there is no evidence of any HIV, Hepatitis B and C, Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Syphilis or Gonorrhoea.   Oh and to top it off, a urine sample too!

So, after 3 and a half hours, we were free to go…. to begin the long wait for all my results.  If just one test came back abnormal, the process could not go ahead!  As much as I had no reason to think that anything would be wrong, I could not be entirely sure, anything could flag up on this screening!  An exhausting day but I came out feeling a lot more positive than I thought I would!

Keeping fingers and toes firmly crossed for good results…!

A perfect match…

The very next day I received an email from Alison thanking me for completing my profile and that she would begin the search for a recipient couple.  Within a week, I received a wonderful phone call from a very excited Alison saying that she had found a perfect match!  The process could now begin.

I was referred to City Fertility in London, the same clinic where my couple are registered so that we can both receive treatment at the same place.  The next day, I was contacted by City Fertility and my first appointment was arranged for a month later.  This was to be a long day of various types of extensive screening to make sure that I am able to donate.  I will go into this more later on 🙂

This is to be an anonymous egg donation.  I will not know the identity of the couple receiving my eggs and they will not know mine.  However, I was delighted to get an email from Alison telling me that my couple had written me a letter…. It is hard to put into words just how much this meant to me.  I always knew that this would be anonymous and I didn’t expect any kind of communication with my couple but I had hoped that they would want to tell me a little information about themselves.  I heard from Alison regarding this email while I was at work so decided to save the letter for when I got home guessing it was probably going to be an emotional read….

How right I was!  What a beautiful, heart warming letter.  They sound like a lovely couple and we have so much in common with our personalities – we like the same things, are passionate about the same things and enjoy the same hobbies… we really are a perfect match!  It was full of heartfelt gratitude and I was especially pleased to receive this before the medical side of the process began….them making it clear that they will be forever grateful to me for this gift…no matter what the outcome of the cycle may be.  Hearing from them gave a small insight into who they are and what makes them tick, making this all a lot more personal for me.  But above all, it was lovely to read in their own words just how much this means to them and how they want to be parents more than anything else.

Yes, it was very emotional reading this, but it just made me even more sure and more determined that I am doing the right thing.  I really hope that together, with the help of Altrui and City Fertility, we can make this lovely couple into a lovely little family! 😀

xxxx

The tentative first steps into egg donation…

Having thought long and hard about wanting to become an egg donor, it was time for me to start researching.  I wanted to know everything that was involved so that I could make an informed decision.  I came across a few companies on the internet, one of which really caught my eye ~ Altrui www.altrui.co.uk.    A wonderfully designed website with as much information as anyone could want.  I think most ladies looking into this will agree that they wanted to know a lot of information before sending that first ‘enquiry/information request’.

Well, I spent quite a few days reading everything I could find on the subject on the Altrui website and many others including watching lots of videos on YouTube.  Aside from the actual process, I have always found the subject of genetics and fertility treatments absolutely fascinating. What can be achieved through Science and modern medicine is just incredible  For the past 3-4 years,  I have been a member of a very special group on Facebook, who help and support ladies in their journeys with infertility or towards a family, usually through fertility treatments.  I have seen so many of these lovely ladies go through the gruelling process of fertility treatment and it amazes me.  The desire, the passion, the strength they find to do absolutely anything in their power to be able to become a parent.  We have loved and supported each other on ‘bad days’ when everyone around you is announcing their pregnancies and all you want to do is cry.  I know from their experiences how emotionally and physically draining fertility treatments can be….  How devastating it can be to see another negative pregnancy test having just undergone yet another IVF cycle or to so amazingly, finally see that positive result, so wonderful that they have to look 10 times before they believe it!  ‘Pregnant’, ‘mother’, ‘father’, words that they can actually begin to use and apply to their own lives ~ something they thought might never ever happen!  I must say, that I cry tears of happiness every single time another couple gets this wonderful news!

Having done all the initial research, I then broached the subject with my husband.  As much as the physical aspects of the process don’t effect him, I needed to make sure he was fine with all aspects of the process, understood what it would entail and that I had his full support, which of course I did 🙂

I made the first contact with Altrui requesting an information pack. Within just a few hours, I had a response from them thanking me for coming forward to be a donor and setting up the first phone consultation.  A few days later, Alison called me and we had a in-depth discussion about everything that the process would entail, physically and emotionally!  I came off the phone feeling even more sure that I wanted to be a donor.

With that, I then needed to complete my Profile which would be used to match me with the couple who would be receiving my eggs.  I had to fill in everything from all my vital statistics to qualifications, hobbies and general, non identifying information about myself, my beliefs, passions and personality.  I love to write and quite enjoyed filling it in but it took me quite a few days to get it done.  How do you know where to start when writing information for a potential recipient couple?!  I finished it, tweaked it, fiddled with it, uploaded my baby photo and when I was finally happy with it, hit submit….!

And then I waited…..

Infertility!

‘Infertility!’

That word – when you hear it being used in your life, it hits you like a brick!  When my husband and I first heard it, it was like a speech bubble was hanging above our heads, knowing we had to burst it and take it in, face the reality!  But it’s not easy….well that’s an understatement!

No words can really describe how it feels to know that you will never be pregnant and feel that little life growing inside you ; never  endure a long, difficult labour to finally have it end and meet your beautiful baby and be engulfed by complete and utter love ;  Never watch your child grow into an adult and be filled with pride at the wonderful person you created all those years ago;  Never be called ‘mummy’, ‘mother’, ‘friend’.

People say that time is a healer.  Fortunately, for us, this has been the case but for some couples who are told that they are infertile, this cannot be further from the truth!  Time just makes things harder and harder as the years without a child go by.  The woman gets older and the maternal clock begins to tick faster and faster.  Time just makes everything more painful, with every period that arrives on time and every pregnancy test that shows up as negative, their hearts sink a little bit further.

For some, infertility can be like being in a black room, everything is so dark and its becomes so difficult to see any light shining through.  Not only are you trying to deal with your own situation but also trying to deal with friends and family around you becoming parents.  You put on a smile, give hugs, celebrate with them and then steal away for a moment alone to grieve…..for the one thing that you will never have.  And then a few years later, you watch again as they all start to announce their second pregnancies and you watch them growing into beautiful families.

You have to try and put on a brave face every time someone you meet someone who asks if you have any children when they see your wedding ring.  It never gets any easier as you try not to show any upset to a stranger who is just trying to make small talk.  You politely answer with a meek “no” and walk away with tears blinding your every step.  “I have something in my eye” you say to a colleague as you make a mad dash for the loo to compose yourself!

Don’t get me wrong, infertility is not something that we just ‘got over’.  From first hearing it to feeling closure on the subject, it has been 4 years.  Even today I still have wobbles and still get emotional sometimes but it is a brief reaction to a situation like meeting a new baby and not something that sends me spiralling into black depression for days.   At one point I never thought I would be ‘ok’ with the situation but I am.  There have been a lot of factors affecting our infertility, all outside of our control.  So yes, I did have to find a way to deal with it and move forward, as hard as that was.

I have done that but will never ever forget how it feels.  I can completely empathise with other ladies/couples who have been told that they are infertile.  As time went on and I became more accepting, I developed this urge to try to help others with this situation.  As I have mentioned, with us, there are lots of factors contributing to why we cannot be parents but for other couples, there may be only 1 or 2 factors, for example, poor quality or no eggs….. And this is why I have decided to begin the process of egg donation.

To be continued…. .